You just found out you’re pregnant…WELCOME to the land of expert parenting advice by all.

Prepare yourselves now because the mom experts will start coming out from the wood work. Everyone you know is all of the sudden a baby expert…and by everyone…I mean your closest friends, your mother, your grandmother, your mother-in-law, your neighbor, your neighbor’s sister, the lady in the checkout line at Walmart…you get the point.

You know what I’m talking about, right? All the lovely unsolicited parenting advice that is vomited on you once you are about to birth a baby. And it doesn’t matter if it’s your first baby or if it’s your 25th baby…these people still know more than you. And expect you to listen.

I just don’t get it and I probably never will. I mean, I love some good motherly advice and all, but if I just met you in the grocery line at the store…no, I do not need you to tell me that I should, “Put the hot dogs back because babies choke on hot dogs”. Those hot dogs are for my 6 year old lady, not the fetus in my stomach.

If you are a new mother expecting your first baby, I wanted to take this chance to prepare you for whom you are about to meet and we call them…

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THE HIGHLY OPINIONATED PARENTING EXPERT

Beware.

Your Mom

One of my favorite lines comes from the older generation. Not pointing any fingers, mom. Ahem.

They LOVE to tell you all about how THEY did things with you and they usually start off with, “Well, back in the day…”

Put your hands over your ears and start singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat as soon as you hear that first sentence because everything they say from that point forward will be advice that is no longer applicable. Especially the labor advice. Dear Lord.  No, I do not care that, “Back in the day you didn’t have the choice to have an epidural and I should be able to do it naturally.” 

I want drugs. In fact, the more drugs that better. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a list in heaven that says “Oh, you had an epidural? Straight to h***!”

The MIL

Another favorite? When my mother-in-law almost called DCFS on me for practicing the CIO {cry-it-out} method.

Guess what MIL?

Times are a changin’. It’s called a video monitor.

I understand that they were not manufactured during the 70’s when you had your son, but they work wonders now. If I can see that my baby is crying, BUT fine…I think all will be A-okay.

The Non-Parents

Then you have the parenting advice from non-parents. This is quite possibly the most annoying advice of all time. Literally.

Because if you haven’t raised your own kid, I sure the heck don’t need you telling me how to raise mine. Including your opinion on breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. Have a kid first. Then we can talk.

The Friend

Let’s address “the friend” {yea, that one}. You know, the one that seems to have the white picket fence, an amazingly good looking husband and 4 perfect children. Three of which whom she home schools, all with a baby on her hip as she prepares dinner for the entire week.

She will try to tell you that, “You should never give the baby a pacifier…”

*Insert me: clearing throat*

I’m here to preach it. My kid had a pacifier until he was two. Yes, two. And no one died.

Except ME that one day when I almost took your advice and went to a restaurant binky-less. I’m pretty sure the man at the table next to me almost murdered me and my youngest from the loud squeals.

The “My Kids Never Did That”

Can we talk tantrums for a second? Because even newborns know how to work the tantrum. Unfortunately, most of the time, they work it in public.

My luck? I was always standing next to “one of them”. By “one of them”, I mean the middle aged mother with kids in high school who felt the need to throw in…“My child never threw fits like that.”

I find that funny because I barely remember what I did last week let alone 16 years ago woman. I’m pretty sure if your kids are in high school…they probably very much DID throw fits like this as a newborn, but your brain is probably so consumed with the teenage attitude issues you have that it must have slipped your mind.

The Facebook Friend

Or what about the advice you get from “Facebook” friends?

I warn you now, if you were iffy about accepting that girl that hated you in high school, but all the sudden wants to be your Facebook friend…delete her before things get ugly.

She will become your worst enemy when you post pictures of your children not properly secured in their carseat and, all the sudden, you will convince yourself that you have failed motherhood.

The Professor

Another great piece of advice I got from my old college professor? Sleep when the baby sleeps.

That sounds like a good plan and all, but I don’t have a laundry fairy, a chef or any super natural ability to snap my fingers and be showered. So no, when the baby sleeps…I shall not sleep.

I shall be productive.

So, yea, that pretty much covers it a nutshell. The worst part about all of this non-solicited advice is that you will be tired {like really really tired} and desperately looking for solutions {as I suck down my 2nd espresso of the morning to keep from falling asleep while typing}.

I assure you that these highly opinionated parenting experts will make you question why you ever decided to become a parent.  Do not be phased.

I’m warning you now…you WILL hear someone whisper the phrase, “If he were mine..” I don’t even need to hear the rest of the sentence and I know what they are trying to say.

It absolutely never fails that people think {and are usually certain} that they can do it better than you. No matter what “it” is.

So MY ADVICE TO YOU. When you hear them so rudely utter that phrase…lean over and reply with: “He can be yours in 6 small payments of $29.95.” You’ll get your point across clearly.