I’m already a little over-dramatic and a complete worry wart….but after reading story after story on different blogs about people who lose their children…I can’t help but wonder WHY? Why did God choose that child? Why did he choose those families? Why did he want them to have to go through so much pain? Why? Why? Why?
I just don’t understand.
I have spent the afternoon learning about baby Sage. Click here to read. Sage was a 8 month old healthy little boy that was found “not breathing” in his crib. The reason…”no reason” according to the reports.
The only thing that comes to my mind is…it’s not fair. It’s not fair to see a baby that was loved so much to be taken from a mother for no reason. Why? Why did that baby stop breathing?
I love God and believe He holds the path to my life, but I often question His decisions. I know people say God has a plan….and He does….but why does His plan have to be so painful for some people and not for others? Why are “they” chosen to endure such hardships?
P has been asleep for over an hour and I have been in his room FIVE times laying my hand on his chest and watching him closely to make sure he is breathing. Does it really matter if I keep checking on him? If God’s plan was to take him…could I really control that? I know that answer to that question….yet, I still find myself constantly worrying and checking on him.
I know I can’t live my life worrying about these things. I know I have to leave it in His hands. I struggle with that at times because I want to control what happens. I want to make sure I am doing everything right as a mother so that nothing happens to my precious child. I often forget, that this kind of control…is out of my hands.
I am not trying to get all spiritual on you, but some of these thoughts have been weighing heavy on my heart. Before blogging I never personally knew a family that had lost a child. Now that I have been opened up to so many wonderful blogs, I have had the chance to read about families who actually go through this pain and it is absolutely heart wrenching.
I feel blessed that I have only had to endure 2 miscarriages…when other families are dealing with the loss of their 8 month old son for no reason. I feel blessed that I have a healthy 20 month old son who fills my life with so much when MckMama has been in the hospital for the last week watching her precious Stellan fight SVT. I feel worried that my “happiness bubble” could be popped at any moment if God so chooses.
Is it wrong that I am questioning God? Does this mean my relationship with Him needs help? I listen to some of these mothers who say “God is in control and whatever happens I know that He has chosen what’s right”…and I wonder to myself if I was put in that same situation would I trust in God they way they are?
What does all of this mean? I love my church and I love to learn about Jesus….but am I wrong for feeling these things?
Do any of you often wonder “WHY”?