Before we began our journey in to adoption there were a few things that I had in my mind regarding “adopted children”. It was quite unfair for me to pretend that I knew anything about adopted children or what it meant to be adopted.
I knew nothing.
After being involved in this process for 10 months and going through the adoption training I realized I was wrong about something.
I was wrong when I thought that not ALL adopted children have survived trauma.
It’s not true.
I remember filling out the paperwork and checking the boxes for the special needs category. We checked “no” next to most of the boxes that were considered “high risk” special needs.
Here I am wanting to love and help a child in need yet I am not willing to love the ones with special needs?
After praying about it for weeks, it was during our last adoption training session that our counselor said something to me that totally made sense…
“ALL adopted children have survived trauma. ALL adopted children have some form of a special need. Just because you are not willing to take a child with HIV does not mean you are not willing to love a child with special needs. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
Wow, I had never really thought about it that way. Losing one’s birth parents is the MOST traumatic form of loss a child can experience.
And no matter what the circumstance…our child will have felt that same pain. The pain and loss of being abandoned or separated from their birth mom for life.
I no longer felt guilty for checking no next to the box about down syndrome or Hepatitis B. I no longer felt like I was struggling to understand why I wasn’t willing to parent a child with those characteristics.
Maybe if we didn’t already have three children of our own. Maybe if I had 100% of my time to dedicate to our next child. Maybe if I knew that I could handle it. But the truth was…I didn’t have any of those things.
I am not a mom of one. I don’t have 100% of my time to dedicate to one. I wasn’t sure we could provide the best care for a child with a high risk special need.
All of those things sound like excuses, but in reality, it’s the way we feel.
I had to be honest with myself. After all, this is about finding a child a forever family and I want to be the best forever family they could ever ask for. Not one that is stressed out and wondering how I will be able to care for them.
I am thankful that there are parents out there that make wonderful forever families for children with high risk special needs.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to show our child that they are loved and cared for and that we will never leave them. I realize that, most likely, no matter how much I show them they will always deal with the insecurity of trust.
They will have survived loss.
I am not asking for a flawless child. God didn’t create us to be flawless. He created us to be wonderful, but not flawless and He is already crafting the perfect child for our family and whatever that looks like…I’m willing.
I like your honesty. Being a special needs mom I know how hard it is and I also know how much joy it can bring.
I follow a family who adopted 2 children with severe disabilities and have another child. I don’t think I could do that, willing welcome another child like Brayden. Although I want for my son to be able to walk-talk-all the ‘normal’ things I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s taught me things I never thought possible.
Don’t feel guilty for checking no, the unknown is very scary I know. One thing I have learned is that all children just need love. When it comes down to it it’s really that simple.
I truly respect your opinion Heather! I think you are an AMAZING mother and Brayden is one lucky dude! I watch you face the challenges with such grace and it impresses me every time! You’re a wonderful mother!
I know nothing about adoption either. I’ve been reading several blogs about families who are either adding by adoption or beginning by adoption and one of the things I found incredible came from the blog of a brand new mother who adopted a baby when she was just a few weeks old. She mentioned that they were both navigating the whole “fitting together” thing alongside one another. She also wrote that the baby (a newborn!) took a while to warm up to her. That just blew my mind. What an incredible experience this will be for all of you. It may not be the easiest experience, but it will certainly be an amazing journey.
We won’t know if our child will be from an orphanage or a foster family, but most likely an orphanage. If that happens…a lot of times children in orphanages never learn how to “bond”….because they have never had someone to bond with. It could take months for our child to adjust. So many things to think about, but I am confident in God’s work and trusting this path He is leading us on! 🙂
Mandy- as always, your honestly is compelling! Many people would hide behind their computer (or what not) and just say “well thank goodness I checked that box” or something to that effect. You being honest with yourself, also allows you and Jeff to continue to be great parents because you are giving and good natured people who want to help by adopting but know your limitations as far as how much you can handle especially having three of your own already- I commend you so much friend!!
Thank you mama! I appreciate the sweet words and the encouragement!
Great post, very touching.
Thank you Dana!
No judgement from me. Only support in this great journey you’ve taken on. I would adopt a child in a heartbeat if they would let me. But unfortunately, they won’t.
Thank you for the support! Your family photos are soo soo cute!!
I love how honest you were in this post and I don’t think you’re a bad mother/person for not wanting to take on a lot of those special needs. I taught special ed for 5 years before having my son, and I still don’t know if I would willingly adopt a child with special needs. Now, if I were to get pregnant and told that my child has Downs or something like that, I wouldn’t terminate and my husband and I would figure out how to parent him/her, but no one wishes for a child with a disability or other severe special need. You’re doing an amazing thing for a child by adopting them, and you know what you can and can’t handle 🙂
I agree…if I got pregnant and that was the outcome I would make the best of it. Thank you for your support and encouragement!
I applaud your honesty and truthfully, would probably check all those boxes just like you did. I have amazing respect for mother’s of kids with special needs, heck, for anyone that is surrounded by children with special needs (ie: my bff who is a special ed teacher), but I don’t know that I’m strong enough. Obviously if my child were born like that, I would adapt but I don’t know that I could willingly put myself in the situation. I think that makes you the exact opposite of a bad person. Being smart enough to know your limits makes you the great parent you are.
Thank you and I am so glad that my honesty didn’t sound judgmental. I agree, if I were to get pregnant and that was the outcome I would make the best of it. I just don’t know that I could handle it unless I was forced. Appreciate your support!
Thank you for sharing this. You were just able to articulate how I’ve been feeling & the guilt that I’ve been trying to keep inside. My husband and I have also just begun the adoption process & literally just came to a stand still when we got to the part about special needs. I felt as if I don’t deserve another child because I don’t think I am willing to take on those kind of challenges. I sincerely feel like a weight has been lifted. Thanks for sharing Mandy!
Wow, I am so glad that you were feeling the same as me. It’s nice to know that I was not the only one! I just love how our adoption counselor worded it…it makes so much sense. I was struggling with it for months and when she said “all adopted children have survived trauma” my mind set changed from “why am I not willing to parent a special need child” to “I am doing the right thing”. Glad it helped you too!
Your honesty is incredible, Mandy. I mean really! You live life so truthfully. It’s inspiring. I haven’t stopped praying for your guys’ family throughout this time of waiting. I’m going to cry the day y’all get to bring home your sweet son/daughter. Love you bunches!!!
XO,
Kenz
Thank you Kenz! Always appreciate your prayers!
This is just so touching Mandy. Great post and of course another great way to think about the adoption process. You are an amazing women 🙂
Thanks Cheryl! I appreciate your encouragement! XOXO
I love reading your blog, but I have to play devil’s advocate here for a minute. In a previous post about your adoption you said you and your husband opted not to pick the sex of your future child. You said “I don’t want to alter God’s plan for me so ultimately I am leaving this in His hands.” regarding the gender of your future child.
If you don’t want to alter God’s plan for you regarding the gender of your baby, why would you go playing “God” by choosing all of these special needs you wouldn’t want your baby to have? Yet, you say that if you were to get pregnant and you were to have a special needs baby you would make the best of it.
I think that if you prayed about this adoption and if it was right for you that you should just apply and let God do the work and bless your family with whatever child he feels fits your family.
I’m a mother of a special needs baby, I was one of those moms while pregnant that said I could NEVER care for a special needs baby that it just wasn’t something that I felt that I could handle. Well, God had completely other plans for me, He KNEW that I could handle it! God placed my son in my life for a reason. I’m not saying that raising a baby with a special need isn’t hard, because it is. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But, it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I learn so much from my son, and I wouldn’t change him for anything, and I’m so glad that God is showing me that although it may be extremely hard at times, and can be so stressful, that I am capable of things I never imagined.
I guess I just don’t see how you don’t want to play God when it comes to the gender but you want to play God when it comes down to picking if your child comes with a severe special need or not.
Mia,
Actually when it comes to adoption you don’t get to just turn in the application and not “specify” whether you are requesting a child with special needs or one without. You HAVE to make a decision…unlike gender which you do not have to specify. We had to either say “yes” we want a child with special needs or “no” we do not (not exactly like that because you have to choose which special needs you accept and which you do not). If we were to fill out the application and put “yes” next to every special need than we are choosing to request a child WITH those special needs. This topic is not like gender where you can leave it in God’s hands. We are forced to decide what will work for our family.
I have so much respect for mothers (like you) who raise children with special needs. Like you said, I can imagine it has challenges, but is also so rewarding. Keep up the great work! Your son is one lucky little guy!
Mandy
Mandy, you have to “check” what’s right for you. And yes, adoption is hard on every child. How do I know? Because I am adopted. My sister is adopted. We went through it and my entire life I asked why I wasn’t wanted. Now I understand and have accepted that it was what God had planned for me but growing up it was hard.
Another reason I know it’s hard is because at 17 years old, I placed a child for adoption. I was a child and knew I couldn’t raise one. I made the right choice and I’ve never regretted it. However, my son who I gave away is 11 and has always had issues and problems and a hard time accepting it. He was half black and his adopted family is Hispanic. He has always felt different. He was adopted by one of my mothers friends so he knows everything about me. He always has. His mother and I have been talking lately and she wants to introduce me into his life because he is so scarred by not having his real mom that it has affected his life. Because of that, she thinks me being in it will help him.
Adoption is hard. It’s hard for the child who feels abandoned. But I can guarantee that he or she will be grateful as well and will be proud to call you mom.
Wow, I truly loved everything about your comment and what you said. So much insight from someone who is not only adopted yourself, but has gone through the opposite side too where you have placed a child for adoption. I love when you say “you have to ‘check’ what’s right for you” because I couldn’t agree more. I think if I was trying to be “super mom” or “do it all” I would get myself in situations that left me feeling defeated. Great input Roni and loved learning this about you!
Mandy I think you are making the best choice for you, your family AND your future child. When we adopted we weren’t open to things such as HIV, Hep C and things like that. We have one biological son and just the thought of accidentally exposing him to something like that scares the dickens out of me! It doesn’t mean that if Lord forbid something were to happen and one of your children became special needs or got a disease like that you wouldn’t love them. It’s the fact you are protecting your family.
We adopted from the Foster Care system. I always said that if I made a decision that ends up jeopardizing my son or my family, then how am I any better of a parent than they are?
Don’t worry about what others might think. Do what is best for you and your family. In the end God will put the child that is perfect for you all into your arms and that child for maybe even once in his/her life will be safe and loved unconditionally by their forever family.
Thank you for the encouragement Amanda! I love hearing perspectives from other people who have BEEN THROUGH the adoption process! The thought of exposing my other three to something that could harm them scared the be-jesus out of me too! In the end, I had to make a decision that was best for our family and I love how you put it…”In the end God will put the child that is perfect for you into your arms.” Made me smile!
Mandy, again you amaze me with your honesty. I applaud your insight – you know what your family can handle. God has already chosen this child for you and Jeff, so the boxes you check are all part of the plan. This child will be the one made for you and your family alone. And God has already chosen other families that are willing and even seek out to help a special needs child. You are doing everything right – don’t worry and keep it up!!
I too applaud your honesty but I do not totally agree with you. When we adopted our son at birth… We met his birth parents… We opted for an open adoption… Our son was never abandoned and never lost his birth parents… Will he have issues with adoption… Most likely… But I am certain all of us will be able to help him deal with those issues… My son will know that his birth Mom loved him enough to let him go… And my son will know that I loved him before I ever laid eyes upon him …. If you want to use the word trauma, I know in our case it would be the birth Mom who suffered the trauma… That is just my opinion and I hope you and your followers are open to such discourse
I am a new reader to your blog. Are your three boys adopted? They look so much like you and your husband, but you are talking about adopting a fourth. Maybe I just need to read more. 🙂 Good luck with whatever God brings your way! I have three children of my own and have always dreamed of adopting a child. What a powerful thing to do.