You just found out you’re pregnant…WELCOME to the land of expert parenting advice by all.
Prepare yourselves now because the mom experts will start coming out from the wood work. Everyone you know is all of the sudden a baby expert…and by everyone…I mean your closest friends, your mother, your grandmother, your mother-in-law, your neighbor, your neighbor’s sister, the lady in the checkout line at Walmart…you get the point.
You know what I’m talking about, right? All the lovely unsolicited parenting advice that is vomited on you once you are about to birth a baby. And it doesn’t matter if it’s your first baby or if it’s your 25th baby…these people still know more than you. And expect you to listen.
I just don’t get it and I probably never will. I mean, I love some good motherly advice and all, but if I just met you in the grocery line at the store…no, I do not need you to tell me that I should, “Put the hot dogs back because babies choke on hot dogs”. Those hot dogs are for my 6 year old lady, not the fetus in my stomach.
If you are a new mother expecting your first baby, I wanted to take this chance to prepare you for whom you are about to meet and we call them…
<dun dun dun>
THE HIGHLY OPINIONATED PARENTING EXPERT
Beware.
Your Mom
One of my favorite lines comes from the older generation. Not pointing any fingers, mom. Ahem.
They LOVE to tell you all about how THEY did things with you and they usually start off with, “Well, back in the day…”
Put your hands over your ears and start singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat as soon as you hear that first sentence because everything they say from that point forward will be advice that is no longer applicable. Especially the labor advice. Dear Lord. No, I do not care that, “Back in the day you didn’t have the choice to have an epidural and I should be able to do it naturally.”
I want drugs. In fact, the more drugs that better. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a list in heaven that says “Oh, you had an epidural? Straight to h***!”
The MIL
Another favorite? When my mother-in-law almost called DCFS on me for practicing the CIO {cry-it-out} method.
Guess what MIL?
Times are a changin’. It’s called a video monitor.
I understand that they were not manufactured during the 70’s when you had your son, but they work wonders now. If I can see that my baby is crying, BUT fine…I think all will be A-okay.
The Non-Parents
Then you have the parenting advice from non-parents. This is quite possibly the most annoying advice of all time. Literally.
Because if you haven’t raised your own kid, I sure the heck don’t need you telling me how to raise mine. Including your opinion on breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. Have a kid first. Then we can talk.
The Friend
Let’s address “the friend” {yea, that one}. You know, the one that seems to have the white picket fence, an amazingly good looking husband and 4 perfect children. Three of which whom she home schools, all with a baby on her hip as she prepares dinner for the entire week.
She will try to tell you that, “You should never give the baby a pacifier…”
*Insert me: clearing throat*
I’m here to preach it. My kid had a pacifier until he was two. Yes, two. And no one died.
Except ME that one day when I almost took your advice and went to a restaurant binky-less. I’m pretty sure the man at the table next to me almost murdered me and my youngest from the loud squeals.
The “My Kids Never Did That”
Can we talk tantrums for a second? Because even newborns know how to work the tantrum. Unfortunately, most of the time, they work it in public.
My luck? I was always standing next to “one of them”. By “one of them”, I mean the middle aged mother with kids in high school who felt the need to throw in…“My child never threw fits like that.”
I find that funny because I barely remember what I did last week let alone 16 years ago woman. I’m pretty sure if your kids are in high school…they probably very much DID throw fits like this as a newborn, but your brain is probably so consumed with the teenage attitude issues you have that it must have slipped your mind.
The Facebook Friend
Or what about the advice you get from “Facebook” friends?
I warn you now, if you were iffy about accepting that girl that hated you in high school, but all the sudden wants to be your Facebook friend…delete her before things get ugly.
She will become your worst enemy when you post pictures of your children not properly secured in their carseat and, all the sudden, you will convince yourself that you have failed motherhood.
The Professor
Another great piece of advice I got from my old college professor? Sleep when the baby sleeps.
That sounds like a good plan and all, but I don’t have a laundry fairy, a chef or any super natural ability to snap my fingers and be showered. So no, when the baby sleeps…I shall not sleep.
I shall be productive.
So, yea, that pretty much covers it a nutshell. The worst part about all of this non-solicited advice is that you will be tired {like really really tired} and desperately looking for solutions {as I suck down my 2nd espresso of the morning to keep from falling asleep while typing}.
I assure you that these highly opinionated parenting experts will make you question why you ever decided to become a parent. Do not be phased.
I’m warning you now…you WILL hear someone whisper the phrase, “If he were mine..” I don’t even need to hear the rest of the sentence and I know what they are trying to say.
It absolutely never fails that people think {and are usually certain} that they can do it better than you. No matter what “it” is.
So MY ADVICE TO YOU. When you hear them so rudely utter that phrase…lean over and reply with: “He can be yours in 6 small payments of $29.95.” You’ll get your point across clearly.
Oh my goodness, yes. I so agree with everything you said. I can’t tell you how many times I heard things about how I’d never be able to cloth diaper once I had to do all the laundry (oh! Just wait until…”) I think any sentence that starts with “oh just wait” should not be said!! My favorite (ahem NOT) advice I received was from a Barnes and Noble man, who began by asking me if I was having a vaginal birth (WHAT?!?!?) and ended with him telling me if I breastfead, my breasts would deflate. Oh Lord, I do not have enough words to describe the inappropriateness of it.
Oh my gosh!! I love this post! You are spot on and I can’t even tell you how extremely annoyed I got from all that unwanted advice! Ugh! I seriously laughed out loud at, “oh you had an epideral, you’re going straight to hell!” Ha!
This is awesome! I’m not lucky enough to be a mom yet but my husband and are trying and have been for some time. My favorite is when people who don’t have children (and even some that do) want to tell us HOW to get pregnant. Like we’re complete idiots or something. We always say “well why don’t you try that and get back to us” to which they almost always reply with ” we’re done having kids” or ” we aren’t ready yet.” Well leave us alone then!! 🙂
I had a miscarriage earlier this summer after trying for a year. We are in the midst of fertility and I love when people tell me to be patient and it will happen. Don’t stress, don’t let it consume your life. I am sorry when you spend every week in a clinic with a wand up in your girl bits and someone sticking you with needles then tell me not to let it consume my life. HA Rant over. I agree people like to give advice on how to conceive. And apparently it only gets worse when you are pregnant and have kids.
Good luck to you Katie.
You said it perfectly. PERFECTLY. “Don’t let it consume your life” is my all time favorite. What does that even mean!?!? I miscarried right before Christmas last year and had to take hormones for a few weeks. If nothing happens by October we are going for full blown fertility treatments. My patience is wearing preeeeeeety thin. Good luck to you and your husband as well. I’ll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
I can totally relate to this!! I just had my 2nd child a couple weeks ago and I am STILL getting advice from my mom. All I can think when she gives advice is that my 3yr old turned out just fine…I think I can handle it. Loved this post!!
Oh my…I would LOVE to write a chapter for this MAM Parenting Guide! Are they accepting entries? Who do I talk to?!
My twins were good babies. Yet, the moment they cried my husband’s grandmother would tell me I should stop breastfeeding and give them soy formula because they were obviously crying from upset stomachs. I couldn’t handle it. I assumed they were obviously crying because they were babies. I breastfed for over a year, and had generally happy babies. (Maybe they cried around certain people more often?)
Labor…I don’t remember much. I didn’t have an emergency c-section, but I found out about the c-section about 30 minutes before I had it…and about 6 weeks before the babies were due, so I guess it was more of a surprise c-section. With twins, there were 16 people in the room with us – doctor, nurses, students, anestheisiologists (one in training who tried to give me my spinal twice before the pro took over), NICU pediatrician, etc. After the fact, I did have a nurse tell me that she never laughed so hard during a c-section, “You guys were hilarious!” I wish I knew now what she was talking about. I thought we were panicky and crazy and overwhelmed, but I remember we were having a good time…I guess that’s all I really need to know!
So… our baby (age 17 months) is adopted. And he’s bi-racial. And his skin is a little tan. And by a “little tan,” I mean he has the golden tan that we all can only dream about having — his skin is gorgeous! When he was a tinier bit of baby, I was in the grocery store with him. An older woman stopped me and said, “Oh, what a cute little baby!” And then she looked right at me and said, “Honey, you’re letting him outside in the sun way too much! This baby is going to develop skin cancer if you don’t start putting sunscreen on him — he’s way too tan. They sell sunscreen for babies, you know; you need to use it.” I was speechless. And I was really exhausted because my cute baby refused to sleep at night, which means I wasn’t sleeping at night, and I could barely put words into coherent sentences at that point in my life. I just stood there and nodded and said, “Okay…” And that was our encounter.
But now? Well, the same baby learned yesterday that it’s FUN! HOLY COW! SO MUCH FUN!! JUST PLAIN DADGUM FUN!!! to stick his entire hand down his throat and… gag… and BARF. When he does it, he laughs hysterically. Where are the parenting experts who have advice for this???? I’ve never seen this issue covered in any parenting book. Sure… they cover sibling rivalry and picky eaters and potty training, but what if you have a toddler who gags himself on purpose and throws up all over your rug? What then?
Have a happy Wednesday!
The funniest thing I said was “I CHANGE MY MIND!!!”…hoping to win this for a friend who struggled for 3 years to get pregnant.
I was pregnant and had my baby in a different country, so I heard so many of their old wives tales. The funniest was when I was told not to raise my arms above my head because it will pull the cord and strangle the baby. The small hospital I gave birth in did not believe in epiderals so as I was writhing in pain, my husband said that we do not have to have any more babies after this one. I said, “are you crazy, we ARE having more!”
Ohmyword, yes! I have a just-turned-two little boy, who is loving, energetic, curious, and well…a boy. Every time my friends (who either don’t have kids yet, or have itty bitty infants) call him a handful, I want to scream “HE’S TWO!!!!” Or conversely, make a snide comment about how they’ll all get their turns eventually. I refrain myself…but barely!
When I went into labor with my little one , I was 17 years old. I had no idea the pain I was about to go through so needless to say I was scared to death. The hospital where I went to was doing some remodeling and was having a little trouble with the elevators. The nurse had to try three different ones before one would work she looked down at me in the wheelchair & said “we just might have this baby in elevator.” Thats real encouraging. By that time I was scared. We finally got in the room and my husband just kept pacing the floors I think he was as scared as I was. So he went out to get some air and as soon as he returnd & his foot stepped in the door my water broke, I started shouting “OMG I’m peeing on myself I’m peeing on myself!!! The nurse came in and said your water just broke everything will be ok. Still to this day my husband brings it up & laughs about it.
Loved this!
Funniest thing I said in labor:
(I was blessed to have a 4 hour long labor with my first and was able to do it without any pain meds so I don’t have too much to choose from.) The nurse saw that my husband looked like he might pass out while I was pushing. She said “oh, Dad, do you need some juice?” I looked up and said “wait! He gets some juice?! What about me?! I want some juice! Hello, does anyone see me here?” And I truly was upset. Seriously, get a girl some juice. 🙂
Hysterical and unfortunately…so true. I give the same advice to all moms: don’t listen to any advice. Including mine.
As for my funniest labor moment-while I was in labor with my second child, I came flying into the hospital, fully dilated, and really attempting not to push. My husband had to push me in a wheelchair and we looked like we were in a movie, running down the hallway. I got to the delivery room, where the nurses whipped my clothing off and threw it every which way, and my water immediately broke. The head nurse shouted, “she’s crowning!” and looked up in panic, and I calmly (according to my hubby) said, “I’d like an epidural, please.”
The funniest thing I said while in labor…. with my oldest I grabbed the front of my husbands shirt and pulled his face close to mine (I’m typically easy going and laid back, kind of the quiet type) and growled “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!” (he just nodded and looked scared lol).
His favorite story though was when I was in labor with our 3rd and, completely under the spell of my epidural, thought my hand was stuck on my face and yelled at him to help me get it off, when he didn’t rush over I yelled “Fine! I’ll do it myself!” and flung my hand off my face.
Gotta love crazy drug induced hormones lol.
Nicole
I agree that any comment that starts with, “just wait…” will almost always send me in an eye roll fest 🙂
When I was in labor, I just remember I kept apologizing for taking so long to push the baby out…and for my feet sweating, hahahahaha.
Love this post!!! As a new mom, I’ve heard several of these lately. 🙂
Probably the best thing I said while in labor was to my doctor- “can you just pull him out already?!” After two hours of pushing!
I completely agree with everything you said!!! I am Laughing out loud and also realizing that I am one of those moms that offer unsolicited advice. I hate it so much but never really thought about the fact that I do it. Luckily I don’t think I am completely rude about it. It’s just about things that helped me out. :/ gotta pay attention to that more! Wools! Great post Mandy
” oh my god, think I need to go potty.o wait I pooped!”lol she cracked me up whem she told me that
So maybe not funny, per se, but seriously stupid…while I was vomiting during every major contraction, my husband is trying to shove a cheddar cheese sandwich down my throat, insisting that I simply have “low blood sugar” and I should eat to keep up my strength. My son is now 20, so I’m sure there were other things said, but that one I remember clearly. PS, cheddar cheese REALLY stinks when you are nauseated. PPS, It also stays on the breath of the eater, who later is all up in your face telling you, the laboring woman, just how to push. GRRRRRR!
Great post!! Coming from a first time mom to be…. I feel ya!
hmm.. I don’t know first hand about a funny story.. but I’ve always found it funny in movies when the wife looks at her husband and says, “You’re never touching me again!”
When I was in labor with my son and pushing. There was a tornado warning with a touch down about 20 miles from the hospital. The nurse wanted to move my bed to the hallway to push so I would be safer. I responded with “I’m pretty sure if a tornado comes through we are all dead considering we are on the 4th floor of the hospital.” Her response to this comment was to simply close the blinds over the window…don’t know what difference that was going to make. I did end up in the basement that night though for an emergency c-section.
I just heard this one the other day…I poop’d with every push I was dying!
I just remember wanting that baby OUT that when the cleaning lady came in to take out garbage or whatever I didn’t even care. She was apologizing and I was like HELL – if you can get this baby out COME ON IN!!!
Omg! This post was spot on!
My friends all laugh because while I was in labor, my neighbors obnoxious rooster was crowing outside my dining room window (right where my head was), and I was livid! I just remember screaming, “I’m going to kill that Dang Rooster!” and my friend Katie starts chasing it down the street with a broom! Bahahaha! Just love the visual I get from that story.
These are all so true! How funny!! I love the “if he were mine…” and the payment plan! Seriously laughing out loud, cracking me up!!
Well, my first son was all natural due to a failed epidural insertion and them doing some “training”. Needless to say, I have never been in so much pain in my life and was NOT prepared for that. Thankfully the labor was fairly quick, but the pain was massive and excruciating and something I will never wanted to experience again. I was so scared of that reoccurring experience that I almost didn’t want to have a second baby. In my mind and because of my mental (some physical) scars I just couldn’t fathom doing it pain free…and I was terrified.
So the second one, my midwife was my friend and we decided to induce at the end and I was SO looking forward to having (praying) for an epidural to be done the right way. She made sure I had the best anesthesiologist and he was. Success! During the whole thing it was completely different and I was dumbfounded that I felt zero contractions and pain…I told them that “honestly I feel like I’m at a day spa…” The whole delivery team and crew were laughing pretty good. My feet were warm and tingly…everyone was catering to all my needs, the monitor says I’m having a 99% contraction and I feel nothing?!?. Oh and I’m about to have my daughter…la la la…what could be better??
I love this especially the part about sleep when the baby sleeps. Totally not possible when you have other children either. I don’t know anyone who has said anything funny during labor and I didn’t go into labor, just an emergency c section. I do think it was amusing that my friend’s daughter came to meet her little sister at the hospital and asked her mommy if she could put her back in her tummy because she was over being a big sister. I have 2 little ones and another on the way in 2 weeks.
A nurse said rate your pain. I said a 9 when I was 5 centimeters upon admittance. She said ‘oh honey that’s cute. Get braced for it, you have no idea what’s coming.”
https://twitter.com/OneFrugalGirl/status/370385746537893889
onefrugalgirl AT gmail DOT com
While I was having contractions with my first in the hospital, my FIL said something like isn’t it cool that women will forget the pains of childbirth soon after the baby is born…not the time or the place to bring up that verse! I’m in the middle of remembering those pains right now!
Oh where was this post 18 months ago! Haha i would have people warn me about “those” people, but then would proceed to word vomit advise/opinions/personal stories anyways! And the non-parents were my fave. Get out of here with that! We’re all experts on raising others children. I also love how people who you rarely see act like you starve your children if they’re skinny. My kid eats all day long but is a little string bean, and my step mom(who doesn’t have kids) didnt listen when i said she’d already eaten once and fed her so much she puked all over her. Best “told ya so” of my life lol!
This post is spot on!!! Why do people feel the need to coach you as a parent. The best one I ever heard was by my son’s ped doctor. He told me since my son started walking at 8 months and never crawled, he will have a hard time reading. I was so worried. He said they need hand/eye coordination from crawling in order to read.
I can honestly tell you that my son read the newspaper at 3 years old and knew all the stats of the LA Angels baseball team. He went on to carry a 4.3 gpa in his junior year with all honor classes. He passed away from brain cancer (ironically) one year latter.
Advice is only that! It drove me crazy. I will never forget what that doctor told me. I wish I had taken my son back to him and let him see, “How he couldn’t read.
I don’t think this is all that funny but my Husband Grandmother told me as i was going into my c-section now Emily you know you cant breast feed that baby I have bottle for when he comes out. If you breast feed your baby he will be a bad baby and thats just not right.Well I did breast feed my baby and for alomst 2 years. she would not even come over until I stopped breast feeding. So crazy yes funny no. But so true can you believe that.
Thank you thank you thank you! Horrible how you get judged on your motherhood by all who are “experts”. We have 3 year old twins, and I’ve been a bad mom (because I let them cry it out when we were at the end of our wits from NO sleep) and then I’ve had (at the same time) spoilt babies because I would pick them up when they cry. Okay … There is really no way to get it right.
As for sleeping when they do … pretty darn difficult when they rotate naps (and I mean to the second!). They still have their pacifiers, and we constantly get advice on how to take it away and just let them scream for a few days. Uhm, yeah … let’s see you sleep deprived for the better part of 3 years and how quickly you’ll get those “mute buttons” back into their mouths…
But what keeps me laughing behind their backs is the knowledge that they’ll never survive twins, and we do 🙂
Are you in a lot of pain? This is just about the silliest question anyone could ask a girl in active labor. Oh, yeah the question came from a man.
I tweeted! https://twitter.com/katiemur80/status/370519431392141312
i don’t remember what i said during labor!
My best friend was texting me during the beginning of her first labor. The last text I got before the baby was born was “epidurals are our friends!” HAHAHA!
Great post. I don’t have a labor comment, but a breast feeding comment. A librarian (who I did not know) after I had my first child told me not to breast feed. Curious, I asked why. She told me I would lose all sensitivity to my nipples -sexually- if I did. Um, thanks and yikes.
I screamed after a nurse to bring me drugs please!
tweet
https://twitter.com/kellysaver/status/370548731457712129
I was in labor for 39 hours, so I’m sure I said lots of crazy things! I do remember saying “Hang on! I have to put my blush on!” when the doctor was coming in to start delivery.
My husband has a cousin and his wife, who aren’t able to have children ( they are in foster care now) loved to tell me how she would do it. Her favorite was “when I was little my mom would ………. ” like that would help smooth things over. I understand all about the “unwanted” advice. I don’t remember much about what I said during labor but with my first child my husband went out to meet the family in the waiting room. Being a vivid hunter declared to the whole waiting room, ” Ah it’s not much worse than gutting a deer”. Thanks a lot!!!!!
With my first daughter, after two and a half hours of pushing, I was asked if somebody (probably a student nurse or something) could come into the room. I remember saying, “Right now, I don’t care if you bring in the President of the United States, every homeless person in this city, and a group of at risk teen girls you want to scare into abstinence. Fill the room, but get this baby out!”
Hmmm…well with my second it was so fast Daddy didn’t make it so I just kept saying wait! Wait! Wait! But that never happens with children 🙂
It really wasn’t what was said in the delivery room but the look on my husbands face when the doctor told him that our daughters head was coming out. Just the look on his face was priceless. I l asked him what the look was for, he says, “i didn’t think it could get that big, it will shrink back right.”
My best friend asked the ob on duty if she would be willing to go down to Dunkin Donuts in the lobby for a Coolatta since they were closing soon and she was sure it was the only thing that was going to get her through labor. I am pretty sure she was kidding – but 20 minutes later what did the Ob show up with?
LMAO at this whole post. I can especially relate to the advice from people who do not have kids. That really irks me!
PS. Why is Facebook in quotes? LOL! If anything “friends” should be in the quotes because a lot of mine don’t deserve that title!
Love this! I’m 23 weeks pregnant with our first child and can’t get over the amount of “advice” I have received. We’ve also decided we’re going to cloth diaper. Oh, the responses and looks I get when I say this!
I said “Good thing I had an enema earlier!”
tweet–https://twitter.com/mami2jcn/status/370710627653668864
tweet
https://twitter.com/MeandBells/status/370921080073879552