Today is my grandpa’s memorial service.
I don’t think of myself as an introvert (AT ALL), nor do I ever tend to hold back my thoughts. Those of you who know me are probably smirking right now because you know I am not afraid to speak my mind.
It’s weird. I find myself in this strange, unfamiliar situation of hiding from my feelings. It’s almost as though, if I don’t think about it or talk about it then it doesn’t exist. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever feel that way?
It’s like I wanna bust out crying, but instead I choose to run and hide. It’s not like me. I’m not shy. I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel. I’m not. But, for some reason, in this situation I am.
I can’t explain why. Maybe those of you who have lost a loved one can relate.
I don’t even want my husband to see me cry, which is opposite of how I usually feel. I usually want him to wrap his arms around me and squeeze me tight. But, I find myself trying to “secretly” cry. So that no one will know. It’s not like I don’t have a good reason to cry or that people won’t understand…but it’s like I the second I feel like crying I want to be alone.
I know what’s going to happen…I am going to have a major break down. It’s inevitable. I know it. My husband keeps telling me that it’s okay to cry, that it’s healthy. Yet, I still sit there and try to change the subject so that I don’t have to cry while he’s watching.
Today is going to be a hard day. I am going to have to sleep in my GK’s house knowing that he is not sleeping upstairs. I am going to have to hug my grandma and feel the pain that she is feeling. I am going to have to see my cousins and my aunts and uncles and watch them grieve. I am going to have to see my dad realize that he will never see his father again. I am going to have to do a lot of things today that I don’t want to. But, somehow, I think I need it. I need these feelings that I have bottled up for the last 3 days to be released. I need to cry on my grandma’s shoulder. I need to let my husband hold me. I need my dad to know that I loved my grandpa as much as he did. I need to express that I don’t know how to deal with this.
I am so thankful that Parker had the chance to meet Papa Kenny and get to know him. I know he won’t remember because he is too young, but I am going to do my best to keep his memory alive. I explained to P that PK was now in heaven, being that P is 19 months I knew he had no idea what I was saying, but….he immediately looked up to the sky and pointed (as if he knew exactly where heaven was)….paused…and reached his arm up and waved. Now everytime I ask him where PK is he waves to the sky.
Oh honey…my heart just breaks for you right now. I have lost 3 of my 4 grandparents and it just gets harder the older we get. I think the hardest part about losing my Grandma and Grandpa Mueller was watching my Dad grieve. It was awful. But sadly…it is a part of life and these things can and do make us stronger people. You have an amazing family that will be there for you when you are ready to let out your feelings so just hold on tight to them the next few days and you will get through it. I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers honey. Hugs and kisses.
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I’m so sorry! I actually have had a similar feeling myself. One of my teachers from high school recently died of leukemia. Now, perhaps it was weird, but we had a super close relationship that I can’t really describe. I knew we were always more than teacher, student….friends really. As I grew up (and it started to not be as weird!) we still kept in contact. To this day, I really haven’t let myself think about him being gone. It’s just like you said…if you don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist.
I do think that going to the service will help you. It will be so nice to have your support system around you when you need it. We’re always here for you here too!
Thinking of you today….
I’m sorry for your loss, and sorry for your feeling to hide your pain. I will pray for you and your family.
Isn’t it sweet that Parker seems to know where Heaven is. I love it!
God Bless you and your family Mandy.
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I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry about your grandfather. I will be praying for you that you have the strength you need to get thru this hard day. One day you will meet again! Praying for you and your family darling
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oh mandy i’m soooo sorry for your loss!! it’s so hard to loose a grandparent, it’s a feeling that’s hard to describe! i lost both of my grandpa’s in the same weekend. first, dad’s , dad (which was excpected) then my mom’s dad the following day. (very unexpected!) your never prepared either way! mandy you need to let your feelings out…… lean on your family and your hubby! it’s so difficult but with your family and God you’ll make it throw this hard tme!
again, i’m soooo sorry for your loss and you and your family will be in our prayers!
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Mandy, I was trying to read your post all day and it wouldn’t let me. Now, as I’m ready to walk out the door to Kenny’s service, I’m crying. I do feel very special to be a part of your family because everyone is so close. Please know that I am always here, too.
Oh honey I am so sorry! I know words don’t make it better but just know we are all thinking about you!
xoxo
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Oh I am so sorry! I was absolutely distraught when I lost my granddad (my mom’s dad). It came so sudden and then he was gone. He was the first of my grandparents to go and it was SO hard! I don’t know what it is, but it was hard for me to cry to my mom. I didn’t want her to see how upset I was. I needed to be strong for her. I have noticed being more like that with my husband too. When I read sad blogs or am emotional, I go into another room. Not sure why??? Like you said, you normally run to them b/c you want them to comfort you. Well I hope that your day went smoothly and that you felt comforted being around family and knowing that PK is in a better place.
I feel the same way. I have actually gone through a lot of loss in my life… losing my father to a car accident when I was nine and now just two weeks ago I lost my step dad as well. I am in no way an introvert… but for some reason this is also how I deal with grief. I always have said that time doesn’t make anything better… it only teaches us how to cope with our losses. Also, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to cry or be openly emotional about it. We all grieve differently… period.
Sweetie, Just let it out. It makes you fell so much better. I tried to hold back with b’s to show my strength and I cried like a baby. At 5 foot 10 and an 1/8 of a ton, I cried like a baby. We all loved GK and will all remember him for the man he was. Not a lot of material stuff, but more integrity, heart and honesty than any man.