Today is my grandpa’s memorial service.
I don’t think of myself as an introvert (AT ALL), nor do I ever tend to hold back my thoughts. Those of you who know me are probably smirking right now because you know I am not afraid to speak my mind.
It’s weird. I find myself in this strange, unfamiliar situation of hiding from my feelings. It’s almost as though, if I don’t think about it or talk about it then it doesn’t exist. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever feel that way?
It’s like I wanna bust out crying, but instead I choose to run and hide. It’s not like me. I’m not shy. I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel. I’m not. But, for some reason, in this situation I am.
I can’t explain why. Maybe those of you who have lost a loved one can relate.
I don’t even want my husband to see me cry, which is opposite of how I usually feel. I usually want him to wrap his arms around me and squeeze me tight. But, I find myself trying to “secretly” cry. So that no one will know. It’s not like I don’t have a good reason to cry or that people won’t understand…but it’s like I the second I feel like crying I want to be alone.
I know what’s going to happen…I am going to have a major break down. It’s inevitable. I know it. My husband keeps telling me that it’s okay to cry, that it’s healthy. Yet, I still sit there and try to change the subject so that I don’t have to cry while he’s watching.
Today is going to be a hard day. I am going to have to sleep in my GK’s house knowing that he is not sleeping upstairs. I am going to have to hug my grandma and feel the pain that she is feeling. I am going to have to see my cousins and my aunts and uncles and watch them grieve. I am going to have to see my dad realize that he will never see his father again. I am going to have to do a lot of things today that I don’t want to. But, somehow, I think I need it. I need these feelings that I have bottled up for the last 3 days to be released. I need to cry on my grandma’s shoulder. I need to let my husband hold me. I need my dad to know that I loved my grandpa as much as he did. I need to express that I don’t know how to deal with this.
I am so thankful that Parker had the chance to meet Papa Kenny and get to know him. I know he won’t remember because he is too young, but I am going to do my best to keep his memory alive. I explained to P that PK was now in heaven, being that P is 19 months I knew he had no idea what I was saying, but….he immediately looked up to the sky and pointed (as if he knew exactly where heaven was)….paused…and reached his arm up and waved. Now everytime I ask him where PK is he waves to the sky.