*This is a guest post
Let me begin by giving you some background. We are a family of 4 today, but it took us 8 years of infertility to get here. I have literally been fired from a fertility specialist and have heard the words no woman ever wants to hear: “With the problems you’re having – we don’t know that we can help you conceive a baby.”
You can imagine the pain and broken hearts that came out of that appointment, but you know what? God was with us. He began that very day laying on our heart a plan for our family.
For me, it was never really about having a baby or being pregnant. It was always about being a mother and raising children.
The plan God put in motion for us began the very moment that I wrote on Facebook and my little blog about our days being fertility patients were over. Within minutes, a friend was giving me the names of a couple of ladies that she thought might be able to help me through those days. The days following – He was doing nothing short of hitting me over the head with the name of an adoption agency.
We got the message and began our adoption process in October 2009. Our home study was in January 2010. In February 2010, we had our first placement meeting. Sadly, that adoption fell through and we didn’t end up with the baby girl that we thought we would. Two months later, in April – we met our son, James and life as we knew it would forever be different.
The very night that we brought James home from the hospital – we found out that we were also pregnant. Literally at 3 am that morning, I was up for a feeding and couldn’t wait any longer to take a test. We suspected the pregnancy at the hospital when I had a few episodes of “morning” sickness.
A few days later, we found out that not only was I pregnant – but I was 3 months pregnant! Our children would be 6 months apart… adopted and biological. There are a lot of questions and dynamics that come into play with the realization.
Would people treat the boys differently? Would WE treat them differently? How do we deal with a birth mother in James’ life and Tyler not having the same? Would we love them the same?
In my heart of hearts, I knew the answers to these questions. As I said before – I have the heart of a mother and it didn’t matter how our family came together. What mattered was that we would have 2 boys within 6 months! In October 2010, Tyler was born… and our lives have never been richer.
I vividly remember the day before Tyler’s birth. I was worried about James being jealous. I was worried about not being able to mother two children in the way they deserved. I was sad for our little family of 3 ending so quickly. All of that went away when I met my tiny Tyler.
I often forget who is adopted and who is biological. I love these two boys fiercely. They are no different in my eyes.
I find myself being protective of that when we are out and people ask me if they are twins. I do want people to know that they are not twins. They are two individuals with their own story to tell. I will sometimes tell them that they are 6 months apart and that one is adopted if they look like they need the answer. I just choose not to tell them which child is adopted.
For me, that information is their story to tell. We of course will share it with them always – they will learn these things as soon as they are old enough to understand. We will teach them the beauty of our family and how we came together – but again – it’s their story to share with whom ever they want to.
I’ve always known that I could love the boys the same, but the shocking thing I’ve learned on this journey is that there are people in our lives that don’t. I believe in my heart that it is their problem, not ours. I’m sad for them, but all I can do is protect my boys. These people want to favor Tyler over James and I’m not going to let that happen.
Right now we limit their time visiting with these people, but one day – I know the questions will come. I will be ready to share with them what happened and why we chose to limit their time with those people.
We will always share with them the story of our family. The beauty that God put in motion for us, and their special roles in that. We have always said that James is our “very special miracle gift” and Tyler is our “miracle pregnancy” – both are miracles in their own way, and we are grateful for each of them.
Their personalities are certainly different, but they are two very special boys. I couldn’t possibly love one more than the other – and for those that wonder if you can love two children as much as one… I’m here to tell you that you can. Your heart will grow and love more than you can ever find possible. Mothers are remarkable – our bodies are amazing and our hearts are inspirational.