Every morning for four straight weeks I woke up on edge. {Perhaps you read about it here.}
It was the kind of edge that meant you got up quietly, tip toed out of your bedroom, peeked into your youngest child’s bedroom, and prayed that when you said “wake up sunshine” you would get a smile and not a death look.
For four straight weeks I didn’t get that smile I prayed for. Instead I got the death look AND a terrible attitude accompanied by screaming, kicking and, yes, name calling.
It was hell. Not just because he woke up in a bad mood, but because that bad mood continued into the day. It didn’t matter what I tried (and believe me? I tried it all – or so I thought)…he was mad. At the world. All the time.
I mean, I know where he gets his evil faces, but still…
We would drag him <—literally — to pre-k. He didn’t want to cooperate with a single word I spoke. Or a word his dad spoke. Which is rather different for me because I’m used to my kids not listening to me, but their dad? They all listen to their dad.
That deep stern tone does a number on kids.
But not this kid.
He was not phased.
Then one day the daycare called me… they wanted me to talk to SJ over the phone because he was not listening to his teachers, kicking people, and calling people very ugly names.
My heart sank. Not because I was surprised. Heck, I was surprised this call didn’t come sooner.
It sank because I felt helpless. I remember having such a good conversation with the owner of the daycare. She was sweet and honest and made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this whole “parenting difficult children” thing. She was willing to work with me on every level to help me get the problem under control. For that I was so grateful.
But I couldn’t help but feel like a failure.
A mom who can’t control her own child? A mom who doesn’t know what steps to take next to get his behavior under control? A mom who has been down this road 2 other times and is still failing?
I hung up. And cried my eyes out as I drove my minivan to go pick him up that day.
Embarrassed, I walked in the front doors to get him. He was still sitting in the office and of course looked up at me with that sweet little smile that could melt any woman’s heart.
But not mine. Not this day.
I was there and I meant business.
From that moment on I decided I was NOT going to let this little boy get away with anymore rude unacceptable behavior if I had anything to do with it.
So I thought I would share with you the small, but impactful changes that I made that warm August day just two short weeks ago. Because you know what? They are helping.
I know I can’t be the only one who is raising a strong willed little boy, right?
Let me start by saying this… We had two main issues that I felt like were affecting his behavior beyond belief.
1. Sleep – he wasn’t falling asleep until sometimes midnight. Even if we started bedtime at 7:45 and took away all distractions…he would still find a way to be up.
2. Eating Habits – or lack thereof. He barely eats anything. Picky picky picky is his middle name.
I felt like those were two things that I could actually be in control of. I might not be able to control specifically what comes out of his mouth…but I CAN control his eating and his sleep.
I never knew just how much these two things were affecting him until I made it my mission to correct them.
I was always the mom that said, “I’m not going to lay down WITH my kids because I want them to be able to go to sleep without me.” And when they were infants? This strategy worked wonders. None of them ever needed to be rocked or held…they just wanted to be put down in their crib and left alone.
All of that changed once they became toddlers and the crib did not exist. I fought it and fought it because I wanted to stick to my initial belief that they shouldn’t need me to lay with them.
But desperate times call for desperate measures and sometimes? We need to admit that it’s ok to change the way we feel about things because every child is different.
Here are the 5 things that I did that transformed his behavior:
1. Take away something he loves.
I like to keep things simple so I started with the easiest. I took away his apple juice. For two reasons really. One, because he LOVES his apple juice and I needed to find something that he loved…that I could take away so he would understand that he doesn’t get the things he wants when he acts bad. Maybe for your child this is a specific toy, or blanket? For SJ… it was his apple juice. And two, because I felt like the sugar in the juice was keeping him awake at night
I’ve tried this before…but when I say the kid wouldn’t drink anything else but apple juice? I mean that. So I always just said…”Well, I have to give it to him because he doesn’t like anything else.”
Mistake number one. Too bad…if he doesn’t like anything else then he needs to learn to like something else. So, I said absolutely no more apple juice. You know what happened? He screamed and threw a huge fit for over an hour, yes…but after 60 minutes of that? He asked for milk. Yes, MILK.
And he’s been drinking milk ever since.
2. Schedule, schedule, schedule. A child loves a routine.
I began a strict schedule every evening in order to get his sleep problems under control. We start at 7:45 pm by going into his room. ALONE. No other boys allowed, they now have to sleep in Parker’s room so SJ can have a room to himself. I begin by praying over him. I try to keep it short and I try to not just pray for things that I want God to change, but I also praise God for the good things in SJ (we’ll talk about this more in #5). We then read three books. It’s the same three books every night. Again, because he loves a routine. For us it’s The Five Little Monkey’s Go Shopping, Llama Llama Mad At Mama and Llama Llama Wakey-Wake. After the book reading is over, I let him drink his cup of milk. I turn off ALL of the lights. No night lights, nothing. It needs to be pitch black. I kiss him goodnight and lay next to him until he falls asleep. Which typically takes about 15 minutes.
The first 4 nights of this was awful. I had to hold him down in his bed. He begged me to turn on a closet light, but I stayed strong. I knew that if he could see in his room…he would stay awake talking to himself. Haha!
Honestly, now when we go to bed? It’s SOOOOO easy! He goes right to sleep. For a kid that was staying up until midnight? I can’t even believe how easy it is to get him asleep by 8:30 PM.
I usually wait until he’s been asleep about 10 minutes and then I sneak out. He never notices and sleeps through the entire night!
3. Quality Time is Key.
I got lazy. I can’t even lie about it. But, the honest truth is that by 8:00 PM each night? I was done. Spent. Tired. The last thing I wanted to do was go read books with my kids. I just wanted life to be easy. I wanted to put them in their rooms…walk away and not deal with it again until morning.
But the reality of that is this… you can’t just pick and choose when you want to be a parent and when you don’t.
I was missing that quality time each evening with them that they were craving. All they wanted was 15 minutes of my undivided attention so that I could read them a few stories. And what? I was so tired I couldn’t, but I was perfectly awake enough to write a blog post or update my Instagram?
I started to realize that those 15-30 minutes of reading books? Meant the world to them. And now? It means the world to me. I look forward to our book time each night.
4. Setting Expectations.
I think this one is so important because it’s all about letting your child know ahead of time what he can expect next. For example, I always tell him “We are going to read 3 books.” Then, after we have finished the first book I say, “We have 2 more books and then it will be time to shut off the lights.” And after the second book, I make sure I say, “This will be the last book we read and then it’s time to go to sleep, ok?”
This way? When it’s time to shut off the lights and go to sleep… he’s not surprised. He understands.
I do this with lots of other areas as well. It works wonders!
I used to avoid giving him expectations because I wanted to detour from a meltdown. I always thought… If I tell him he has to go to sleep next? He’s gonna lose it. But the reality is, it truly helps them understand what you expect of them.
I began doing this when I drop him off for pre-k too. The daycare bus picks him up and takes him to daycare (since pre-k is only half day). He was throwing a huge fit every day and screaming “I WANT MY MOMMY!!!” I realized that I wasn’t telling him each day that he was going to ride the bus. So I began making sure that when I drop him off I say, “Now remember, Miss Kelsey’s bus is going to pick you up today and take you to daycare. Mommy needs you to be a good boy for Miss Kelsey.”
World changer people. World changer. Try it.
5. Praying.
The last thing (which should be listed as the first thing) is asking God for help. Because, for weeks, I tried to do this alone. Like most areas of my life…I think I can do it all by myself. But I never can. God is showing me over and over again that He is present and can help.
To be honest, I finally started praying out of a last resort type of thing. I was breaking and it was my last hope. Funny how we never make prayer our first course of help, right? I begged God to show up. I knew that if He didn’t show up? Nothing would change.
Each night I pray over SJ. I always say to him, “Ok, mommy is going to pray now ok?” He usually smiles and closes his eyes.
I swear, y’all….God moves mountains! I always need to be reminded of that, but it’s so true!
If you have a spirited little boy (or girl) like me? I hope that something I have suggested will help you get your sanity back. We are not clear of all bad behavior…he still has his moments, but ever since I began this strategy above? It has helped so much.
Every child is different and the key is adjusting and adapting to what works for your child.
Just know this…you are not alone.
A couple resources I would HIGHLY recommend:
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Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic
Great story needed to read this. I have a strong willed daughter and am going thru the same journey you and your family are exploring. Ive seen improvments on things I am prouds to say. This has lifted my spirits to keep going. I too pray over her every night and it truly has been an aid for me. Stay strong children are a beautiful blessing and our efforts better their future.
this is my only grandchild & yesterday she hit me in the face & my daughter made her say sorry but you could see she didn’t mean it & after they left I actually got physically sick I’ve told my daughter to pray but her & her husband do not believe in God(which I do) asked her not to give her gifts so after all this drama yesterday what do I see on facebook this morning balloons flowers & a stuffed unicorn. everyday this child gets a new gift. Her other grandparents do not want to watch her & I am feeling overwhelmed b/c now my husband says we need to disconnect for our own sake & health do not know what to do at this point??????
I too have a niece who is like my daughter and I’ve been concerned about her behavior and well … ever since the Sunday school teacher called me out in front of all the other parents of my child behavior I felt embarrassed and ashamed … this helped in knowing I am not alone
so i was looking on pinterest to help me control my strong willed little girl.. my husband has been deployed most of her life.. its hard being a single parent and raising a strong willed child on their own!! she trys to run me:( and its working… she doesn’t listen when i discipline her.. i should be focusing on playing with her, she just takes the life out of me, I’m so tired and drained..Your post inspired me! this is truly a great article, I’ve learned something here, to handle my little toddler.. any other pointers you can think of
This is exactly what I needed today. I have a strong willed 4 year old boy. This past weekend he has tested my patience and sanity, and being 6 months pregant there is not alot to be tested with. This morning I was reflecting over his behavior this past two days and wondered where my sweet little boy went. Trying to discipline him has been a constant struggle. After reading this post I thought to myself wow maybe he does need a schedule and a daily routine. He used to have one when he was a baby and it worked wonders. I dont know why I stopped. But like you when 8pm hits I’m done with the day and just want to relax but I think that is when he needs me most. I will definitely be trying some of these techniques in the future. Thanks!!
I’m crying right now after reading this. This is exactly what I needed to read. Thanks for posting
So glad I found this! It’s exactly what I needed in my life right now!
PS – Love the underwear pictures. So cute!
Thank you so much Sarah…. and as for the photos, my boys think wearing clothing is for the birds. They’re always running around pant-less.
Thank you very much for sharing so honestly how one feels at times when dealing with such a strong willed child, failure is how that can easily make one feel! Knowing im not alone in this Job as a grandmother raising my 7 yr. Grandson i thought my age was why we are in battles so much or it so seems. But u being a young mother feeling this way makes me feel alot better or more at ease and now on to the next putting into practice your suggestions! Again much thanks to you!
THANK YOU for your raw honesty! So rarely are moms of young children willing to admit parenting isn’t all hearts & flowers. It’s essential to be honest with each other about the hard stuff. Life-changing for struggling parents!
I agree with 3 and 4, 5 is an individual family type of thing. But 1) saying you had to find something he loved so that you could deprive him of it ? How would you feel if your husband took away something you loved simply because you didn’t do as he wanted. Your child has thoughts and feelings and wishes too and just because they are not in line with your own does not mean they are not valid. A persons a person no matter how small after all! As a parent of a strong willed child myself let me say I KNOW how exhausting it can be. Try going to the aha patenting website and searching strong willed child. The same on hand in hand parenting website. Parent through love and connection, not through fear and punishment. Your methods may have been affective in the short term, but at what cost?
You take the things they love away if they don’t behave because that’s how life works. If you’re constantly speeding in your vehicle, the state will take away your license. That’s how life works. Kids are given rules because as adults they have to obey laws. Also, you can’t compare parenting with a marriage. That’s 2 separate relationship styles. I loved the article, it’s definitely going to help in my household!
I think some people just read these so they can complain about something! Ha-ha! I think it was a great article. If something isn’t for you don’t try it! No need to complain.
As a certified behavior therapist and mother of 2, I think that the technique is great but the wording could be different. she is having him earn juice through good behavior – juice (and tv and toys and smart phones) are not rights and children should not have access to these things without good behavior. it is also important that water is not made to be a punishment but is the norm. juice is a reward. make sense now?
my daughter does not respond to spanking or time out but really improves when you tie good behavior to screen time or make her be responsible with toys (no stomping on them, putting them in her mouth etc) if she wants to keep having access to them. otherwise she loses the item in question for 24 hours. occasionally she has an “accident” and doesn’t get to the potty in time because she is watching tv. this has happened multiple times a day before! then we had her lose tv time for 30 minutes after an incident and made her rinse and change her own underwear. this helped dramatically.
I really really enjoyed this great article!!!
Great points! As a mother, childhood educator, and licensed social worker, I would add: remove “ok?” from the end of all of your sentences (unless of course you are expecting or open to a response from your child) – all of them. By making (what we think) is a statement: “this is the final book and then its light off, ok?” we are actually asking our child if its OK that we do not read (or whatever the activity is) anymore books. Its a challenging habit to get out of, however, if we are setting the expectation that we will not read any more books and there is no room for negotiations we need to end our sentences without “ok?” “This is our last book, when we’re done reading it, it is time to turn off the lights.”
Love this and I’m already putting it into practice after reading your comment! Thanks!
I appreciate your blog more than you know.It brought me to tears to know I’m NOT the only one in this world going through these issues.My son too is very spirited and strong willed.I cringe to see yet another unhappy or crying face from pre k.I will follow your advice of steps to take and pray as we all need to do first and foremost. Thank you for your post!
Excellent post. My oldest has always been my most challenging. Her siblings got the benefit of my having made a lot of mistakes and going through a lot of misunderstanding with her. I fully agree with the original commenter about the use of “ok?” If you have trouble finishing the description as a statement. For example, “This is our last book and then we are done reading.” Add the question, “Do you understand?” Or even just “understand?” It offers them the opportunity to clarify. It never ceases to amaze me what they really don’t understand.
I agree – I work in paediatric dentistry and saying ‘ok?’ means there is a choice for the child. Don’t make a choice for them if there isn’t one. Children often find this frustrating because they give their choice/opinion/select an option and then their parent tells them it’s wrong.
It is a really hard habit to break.
Love the tips on here too
Instead of “ok?” we’ll ask “do you understand?” or “cappicé”? This seems to let them know that what mommy and/or daddy are saying is final.
Ok ok! Right my little boy is 18 months and sounds the same but am I stupid thinking he’s to young to tell him, there 3,2,1 book left? He can’t have his apple juice….?
Dono what to do some days and others are fine… We have a 5 month baby girl too which doesn’t make for a calm day when THEY BOTH want food at the SAME TIME….. Routine?!?!?! He has his own mind about what he wants when and how. I try give him food the same time for example, but if he wakes early then he’s hungry and screams for food how do u stick to a routine? He won’t eat 90% of what I make regardless of how I make it, serve it offer it….oh oh and!!!!! He will not allow me to feed him…which means food all over the floor, himself and anything near by that he doesn’t through at developing his hand – eye coordination…. Help? Where am I going wrong? Things were fine and he was good…odd Downs but now it’s super crazy and feels like he’s getting worse but I haven’t even mentioned the tantrums. I think it’s me but I have read that kids can be like this around he 18 mnt mark because they starting to understand they can communicate but yet the words aren’t coming out…?
Zara,
I know as a mom doing her best with 2 little ones you are probably exhausted and touched out.
Besides approaching that independent stage, you might have some sibling rivalry going on.
First let me give you some hope, while this feels like forever it will only be for a year or two more. Hold in there. You can do this.
Then let me give you 2 ideas to help if you haven’t tried them yet. 1) Get someone (grandparent, neighbor, babysitter) to take the baby for an hour or two so you have some one on one with your son.
2)See how he responds to being helpful and included in taking care of baby. I.e. “can you bring mommy a diaper?” “Baby is crying, can you talk to her or give her a toy until I can get there?”
The book “The Strong Willed Child” also suggests that you choose your battles. Decide on a few things that are most important, and win those battles in love.
Hope any of this helps.
I try to think of it as more a routine than a schedule. That way I don’t get frustrated when timing is off. Go by order of importance when planning your day so if u don’t have enough time the most important things get done first and will leave u feeling less overwhelmed at the end of the day. When I feed my 15 month old I try giving him a finger food he can be occupied with while I feed him the messier food. Sometimes it works others u just have to let them make a mess sometimes to build their coordination up. Bibs or taking off shirts if at home help to not ruin clothes.
I’m so glad that I found this. I feel like you were writing about my four year old. He’s a very picky eater that can stay up all night. He growls and yells at anyone, but he has his sweet moments too. The meltdowns in public have become the new normal because he’s done it since he was born. I try not to grocery shop with him. I will be trying what you have done. Thanks!
Thanks so much for writing this! I am going to put this into effect immediately! I have 5 year old triplet boys and 2 out of the three are constantly just out of control! I have all but given up on trying to go out of the house to do anything b/c they just do not seem to listen! They really don’t have a set schedule but that is about to change around our house!
A schedule has worked so well for us! Hope it helps you as well!
It is a very very helpful, thanks for the post.got to implement…
This is my life exactly. My son is 3 and is SUCH a handful! Just the other day he exposed himself to all the kids at the gym! I was so shocked and humiliated. I didn’t even know where to begin. This post helps so much!! I already have him going to bed around 7/8 but I don’t know when he actually falls asleep. I’m gonna try some of these and see how he does. Thank you!!
You are so welcome Cerani! I hope they help!
thank you so much for posting this. I am going through the exact same thing with my precious 3 year old son. Literally, he went from the sweetest child to this defiant child that I do not know. I will be implementing these steps ASAP. Please pray for good results! Xoxo
After reading your article i really feel i am not alone.. going through similar phase with a 5 year old and yes a strict routine works wonders. he is such a lovely boy always want to help but when sleep deprived he gets difficult.
Thanks for posting my son is now 4 and everyday I struggle and I feel bad for myself yes…but especially for him because he can’t stop moving and his brain is always “on”….. on top of that whining beyond what my patience can handle and not listening and the anxiety…it’s really hard to explain but I just feel so bad for him.
This started around 3 but got a little worse as time went on and then about 6 mo ago our life got crazy (my dad got sick and we were traveling and all that) and the last 6 mo have been hell!!
Now it’s time to try to start to get things under control with school starting (my dad just passing) just time to try to get a handle on things. I will foresure be trying these things along with a visual schedule.
Thank you so much for sharing. I was doing a lot of these suggestions with my 3 year old until a few weeks ago when I had a baby. I’ve been thinking the three year old has lost his mind, but now I realize I have strayed from our routine. This post has allowed me to step outside of the craziness and see what’s really happening. Thank you!
Thank you for this post. As I sit here crying quietly to myself while my 2 1/2 year old is sleeping (finally) on the couch next to me, I have realized that things need to change. It’s been a rough few weeks. She has been terrified to sleep in her own room all of a sudden and she won’t or can’t tell me why. She won’t eat her meals, she laughs when I try to correct her, and she whines and oh does she whine. I think all of this is hitting me hard now because realistically she has been the “perfect” child until about two months ago. My husband tries to help but he works a lot and honestly he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have our daughter hanging on him and whining and screaming for hours and hours and hours at a time. I feel as though I am a horrible mother and I’m at a loss, I feel like we have more bad days than good. I try to pick my battles but everything is a battle anymore. And I know I need to change my reaction and the way I handle certain things. I am going to try to use some of your tips, even the slightest positive change would make me feel like I am horribly failing. Thank you 🙂
I guess this is a good post, but it makes me sad it’s such a hard concept for parents to get. You mean you were actually the parent and in charge, and didn’t give in to whining and tantrums? And to whoever asked about the 18 month old, YES tell him no, and start NOW!
I love comments like this because I feel like parents who make these kinds of remarks about other parents… have never had to parent a spirited child. There is so much to be learned when parenting a spirited child and it’s sad that you don’t see that. Not every kid responds to the same style of parenting.
Thanks for the judgment about my life and children. And actually they do. It’s called BEING CONSISTENT in whatever you choose.
Notice I said ” I felt sad” other parents don’t see it. I am, because they could enjoy their kids a lot more if they did!
Listen, I wish that this was common sense advice, but it actually isn’t. It’s advice that comes from experience with trial and error- either directly your own or someone close to you. It’s easy to misunderstand the root of the problem. For months I’ve been thinking that my son was agressive because he didn’t know how to handle his frustration. I thought it was a skills deficiency and I got books about not hitting and what to do when you’re upset. It didn’t occur to me that he had less self control because of poor sleeping habits and poor diet. I was like most parents who started my kid on a diet full of a range of nutrients. Well-balanced, nutrient-dense super foods! And then when he wouldn’t eat them and they went to waste, instead of sticking to my guns, I looked for anything that he WOULD eat. He has been on the very low range of weight all along so I didn’t feel that I could afford to put the lesson ahead of the calories. I just needed him to eat anything to keep meat on his bones. In retrospect, that set up a lot of behavioral problems (him learning that he can make his own rules and hold out for his choices, getting a disproportionate amount of fats and sugars and causing spikes and drops in blood sugar, etc.) but at the time, I was concerned with his weight and not wasting precious money on food he wouldn’t eat. At any rate, it’s easy to say this is common sense but parenting is not a series of clear links between one cause and one corresponding effect. For some of us, we don’t know until we’ve made the wrong choice which path to take to resolve an issue.
This is so relevant to me right now. Thank you. My almost 3 year old has had such a huge issue transitioning out of the crib. It’s been going on 4 months of craziness at bed time, him waking up multiple times in the night and coming into our bed (sometimes I’m so tired I don’t even realize he’s there until my alarm goes off) and then crabby mornings. We actually had a great night yesterday and a wonderful morning before I’d even read this. My only problem is I always fall asleep when I lay down with my kids (thanks, mom exhaustion) and don’t wake up forever. I will have my husband come and check on me so I don’t fall out of the toddler bed at 11pm.
This is my first time on your blog and I can’t wait to read more.
But seriously my most relevant question is, where did you get the Buzz Lightyear undies? My little guy would just flip to have some of those. He does like the Ninja Turtle set we currently have but Buzz is his favorite. 🙂
I’m so glad I found this!! I have a very rambunctious 2 year old that does NOT like bedtime! I had him sleeping in his bed with no problems. Then it got to where he didn’t wanna sleep in his bed at all but with me. And I live with family so therefore a screaming 2 year old isn’t the easiest thing to ignore at night when youre trying to sleep so therefore I’ve had to give in just to be courteous to everyone else. But he still fights with me up until sometimes 1 am. Its got me frustrated to the point of tears…so I’m going to start doing this with him every night And see if it helps. Many thanks will be in line if so!! Lol
Found this post on Pinterest and clicked because I too have a challenging child. I love how honest you are about bring exhausted and getting lazy. It’s funny your first two recommendations we’re sleep and eating. I used to ALWAYS say my best parenting advice was if they eat well and sleep well they’ll be great kids. My two older girls were (and still are) so well adjusted since birth and I attribute it to a schedule and consistency. And then we had our third. And life is crazier and more hectic and she is…crazier and more hectic. I remind myself do my own advice but life gets in the way. Agh…this was a perfect read so thank you :). And don’t listen to people that act like parenting is all common sense. If it is for them, wonderful. But obviously God may have shortened some of is in the common sense department to overfill us with other blessings ?
This is an interesting but saddening post to read. I’m not sure whether my 3 year old son is a “good boy” by nature or whether it’s something I’m doing that’s making him turn out the way he is.
When he whines, I try to listen to what he’s asking for, and I take time to explain whether he can have it, and why or why not. If he can’t have it, I tell him when he can have it and I always always stick to what I say. E.g. if he wants sweeties then I might say not now, but he can have a few tomorrow morning. Then even if he forgets, I will remind him and give him 3 or 4 sweeties. I’m not endorsing sugar overload, just saying I think he appreciates honesty I treat him with, just like if I borrowed money from a friend, I’d still give it back even if they forgot.
And I stick to a routine and I try to compromise where possible, if it’s suitable. And I try to regularly give him undivided attention and play with him, draw with him etc. I’m a single parent with just him, and so I give him responsibility and ask him to help me quite often. Being on my own, in some ways, makes it easier to give him undivided attention so that would be my best advice. He recently started getting scared to go to bed on his own. The solution is that I sit on a chair in his room for half an hour and mess on my phone (I’m doing it now!) He can see my face lit up, but I don’t have any interaction with him.
Hopefully everyone cannot keep working at it to have happier kids.
My son is now 4. I was a single mom until a year ago. He was an angel child until my fiancé bought a house and we all moved in together. He has always been spirited and challenging, but always respectful. Now he pitches fits over nothing, gets an attitude any time any little thing isn’t exactly as he thinks it should be, speaks in a very rude manner, doesn’t want to go to sleep, only wants to eat what he wants to eat/when he wants to eat it, etc. It has been very hard for me to understand and adjust. My fiancé helps me with my son a ton. He treats him as if he were his own. My son started calling him “Daddy” (on his own) about 6mo ago, and my fiancé is always quick to tell people my son is his son. It’s honestly amazing how the two of them are together-when my son is happy. However, lately I have started to put the puzzle of his behavior together. He has made comments to my fiancé such as, “why don’t you go live with your parents?” So the other night when I tucked him in I asked him about it. He said, “remember when I didn’t have a dad? It was just me and you. I want it to be just me and you.” Now I understand where his behavior is stemming from. He used to have my undivided attention at all times. He now shares it, not just with my fiancé, but with the craziness that has become my life of late. And, I’ll be honest too, I’ve become lazy in parenting. I teach high school (state tested) U.S. History. I am planning a wedding for February 2016. We just moved (packing, moving, painting, unpacking, organizing). I’m stressed and anxious, and the million questions my son wants to ask as sooooooon as he wakes up are just too much. The extreme amount of energy he has and desire to climb on things and jump off things make me a nervous wreck. Anyway, I guess my reply to you as a single mom with a well-behaved kid is this: he has your undivided attention. And, truly, be proud of your parenting bc it does sound like you’re doing things right! Just beware that his behavior may change. I was shocked when my son’s did. But thankfully I’ve realized what the trigger is, and will be implementing these tips I read above, and hopefully my little man and I can get some much-needed quality time in more often and things will be smooth sailing between my son, my fiancé, and me again ASAP. 🙂
This brought tears to my eyes.
We went through the same thing with our now 5 year old son. Everything you tried is something we have personally done with wonderful results. It really does work to put yourself in their shoes and see things from a different perspective. The thing that helped me most ( and still does) is telling myself that we have such a small time with our children when they look to us for everything. Sometimes just knowing things won’t always be this way puts it into a better perspective. Don’t give up! God is faithful and He wants us to live full and happy lives. Praying for you and all the Mommas who need Him today!
This post was like you had a window into my life and saw what I am currently going through with my 5 year old son. Determined, independent, strong willed……I had almost lost hope of how to raise him effectively and with a Godly influence, until I read your blog. Amazing to know that I am definitely not alone. Thank you for writing this.
You made a mention about your son’s picky eating in this post and we are having difficulty in that area so I was hoping you could touch on how you resolved that?? This post was incredibly insightful, implementing these changes effective NOW! 🙂
I couldn’t agree more with prayer and laying down with them! I was exactly like you, putting themselves to sleep as babies was high on my list, but I feel like we are back tracking now! We have a 2.5 year old who is a hilarious, rambunctious, mischievous, and emotional little boy. He is amazing and challenging all at the same time. The epitome of the toddler definition “emotionaly unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting into a lovable cuddle-monster.” He would get out of bed constantly, but he started telling me “I need snuggles”, I mean melt my heart. Sometimes I have to take care of his 9 month old brother and so I’d feel annoyed or tried to rush it, but now if Daddy is home (which is almost every night) I say “yes” and am there for him. I don’t always stay until he is asleep but he has NEVER gotten back out of bed after snuggles. I think as they exert their independence, we forget that they are still so little. We want them to be grown up in so many ways that it’s easy to lose sight of just how tender they still can be. I figure one day he will not need me like this, he won’t want to give me kisses all over my face and vise versa, he won’t ask for snuggles, he won’t ask me to swaddle him (lol) and rock him. So, it may take a little more time, but if it helps him fall asleep, I’ll do it.
P.S. As a side note from someone who has worked in the dental field for 5 years, PLEASE don’t let him go to bed after drinking milk. Rinse with water in the very least but it’s best to brush teeth. Milk can rot those precious pearly whites when it’s allowed to sit on teeth all night long. I’ve seen too many cases of kiddos having teeth pulled because of it. You may brush after and just didn’t mention it but I just couldn’t help myself saying something just in case lol Sorry! 😀
I had 8 kids in 10 years. I survived! I loved being a stay at home mom! It’s the best and hardest job in the world!! About some of these comments, I like the idea of having a routine, not a schedule – that’s a good point. A number of years ago when I was at the end of my rope and my throat was hoarse from the incessant yelling I felt I had to do, my prayers were finally answered when I found this book called 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan. It’s simple, no nonsense, EASY to understand information on what parents can do and should not do as parents and WHY children act out. That was the best information of all, understanding WHY my kid was acting like a brat. (note:acting like a brat, not being a brat, there is a big difference) Once I understood better why the kids were acting up and how they were manipulating me, I could re-focus and regain most of my sanity. Parenting is NEVER easy, but there is nothing more rewarding or important in this life. Families are meant to be forever. Good job on sharing this blog, your thoughts are helping many parents become better parents!
On a completely different subject, which many people may completely disagree with me, however, I feel I still need to say it. Believe me when I say that I KNOW how hard it is to keep clothes on some children. Some kids are just so much happier in their undies or better yet, nothing at all; I’ve been there! My worry today is that these totally sweet innocent pictures of your little boy on your blog might be viewed by prying eyes that are specifically searching for photos of young children for their own personal pleasure or perhaps even gain. Please keep in mind and remember that once a photo is up-loaded to the WWW, anyone can save a copy of it for their own personal use, I really don’t mean to scare, sicken or outrage anyone, but we all have to remember that our world isn’t always the nice sweet place we think it is or would like it to be, there is ugliness and evil lurking at the turn of every corner; if you don’t believe me, do some research on your own. Please, just be alert and be aware. – TKT
Thanks again – and it is possible to regain some (not all) parental sanity!! Keep working at it and LOVE the journey, it will be worth EVERY ounce of effort you put in. May God bless you all in your daily struggles!
This was me and my 3 year old about a month or more ago. I also was slacking in giving him all the attention he was needing. Things are pretty peaceful (relatively peaceful with two boys) now. He also started MDO less than a month ago giving me some time to spend getting the things I need to get done done and out of the way of his time. He is such a loving little boy. I spent too much time bumping heads with him, but I made sure to apologize for my wrong doings and explained to him that I made a mistake and how much I love him. He melts my heart! ? He has done a lot of growing up since he has started MDO. The teachers tell me he is a really sweet boy. I didn’t have any doubt, but I’m glad that he has adjusted well in this short time. ? Congratulations for finding your peace with your little strong willed boy!
I’m so glad I came across this. I’m also glad I’m not the only one going throu this right now. Can’t wait to try these steps to hopefully a more manageable life. Thank you for sharing
Thank you very much for this post , this it’s definitely helpful.
Amazing article. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
I can totally relate I have a strong daughter who is almost 3. Both me and my husband were active duty soldiers. I just recently got out of the army so I am madding up for lost time! I actually just started applying Love and Logic with her and it’s been such a help! I have also started a good schedule and routine!
I need to point out that milk (or juice or anything except water) before bed is really really bad for their teeth. After they brush their teeth, nothing but water should be given. Milk or juice promote tooth decay because it just sits on their teeth While they sleep and can lead to all kinds of dental problems, besides cavaties, including discoloration, rot, need to remove baby teeth which is painful and causes problems for the future of the adult teeth.
Love this!!! I especially love all the cute pictures inbetween everything ?
This had me in tears because my daughter is struggling right now with her little boy, my grandson. I’m telling her to read this today ! Thank you so much!
Wow, I feel like I struck oil on my first google search looking for help, thank you for taking the time to share this! Our 2 year old has very similar behavior and patterns like everything you described. He rarely eats, has a terrible sleeping routine and can be very irritable and cranky most of the time, especially when he doesn’t get his way. This is our second child and our eight, soon to be nine year old was nothing like him. I feel like we are so lost and its been so taxing on our family and relationship. I told my wife today we need to come up with a game plan to address this or else it’s going to just get worse as he continues to grow and this is just no way to live!
I started reading The Strong Willed Child by Dobson. I also have read Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk which is my favorite parenting book, but can’t even get a to place where we feel confident and equipped to execute. As I started righting my comment, I had to leave the computer because he is laying in our bed (where he sleeps) whining at my wife because he is so overtired and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. its 11:45pm and this is what we see see every night.
With our oldest going back to school next week, I hope to have some in place we can implement starting with a routine and more importantly constant prayer. This is beyond something we can change on our own.
Thank you again and God Bless. Praying for all the families and children on here who are seeing this through.
I am so glad I read this today. I needed it. I was just telling my husband last night that we needed to do something different. Since we moved we haven’t had the time for church and I can tell a big difference from then to now. I hope we can get back to our routine we had before. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Thank you for this, I have a really hard little 5 year old who won’t listen to me, I am scared to go home after work to have to deal with him, going to try your tricks, and yes God moves mountains!!