Sunday after Sunday after Sunday I would wake up with an excuse.
I’m too tired. I don’t feel good. I have too much to do. I need to go to the store. The kids are exhausted. I have to finish working on some blog stuff. It’s gonna rain.
Those were just a few of the excuses in my head that I would tell myself to justify not attending church.
**It’s gonna rain. Ha! Yea, good one.
Every other Sunday the excuses wouldn’t work very well, but trust me when I say I tried. I tried to get out of it every single Sunday.
My husband started wondering what was going on with me. He’s never been the type of guy to push me into doing anything. In fact, he’s very opposite of that. And so Sunday after Sunday he was patient with me and my excuses. But he knew something was up. He knows me well enough to know that I don’t typically tell God to take a hike.
One Wednesday night, during one of our small group sessions {that I actually didn’t skip}, he asked me to get prayer with him.
My initial response?
Me: “For what?? I don’t need prayer.”
Him: “Babe, I think it would help. Just go up there with me.”
And so of course, with the worst attitude possible, I walked up to the front of the auditorium holding his hand…and thinking in my head how much I did not want to be there. A friend came over to pray for us. He started it out like every other time I had gone to the front to get prayer…
“Hey guys, what can I pray for you about?”
*Que* tears streaming down my face before I even uttered the first few words of what we were up there for. Heck, I hadn’t even known WHY I was up there to begin with so the fact that all the sudden I began crying when I tried to explain myself took me by surprise.
But you know what words came out of my mouth?
I am mad at God.
Yes, standing at the front of my church, next to my husband, as I was crying…I said…
I am mad at God.
I think even my husband was caught off guard as he stared at me with this look of confusion. But the more I talked, the more it made sense.
I explained how I was so connected to God and to my purpose when we began the adoption process. It was the one time in my life where I felt like I finally knew what I was suppose to do and I was doing it. It had felt so good to finally hear Him. To finally know what He was whispering in my ear.
But as time dragged on and things became silent, I began to grow frustrated. And angry.
We had been told that we would have a child by the end of 2013 and you know what happened? 2013 came and went and we still hadn’t heard a word from the Philippines.
And you know who I blamed?
God.
Because you see, this was in His hands. And it was also His fault that it wasn’t happening like I envisioned.
I knew as I was saying these things out loud in front of this man praying for us that it was wrong. I knew it made no sense. And I knew that I shouldn’t be blaming God.
But it was honesty and truth. It was how my heart felt and I couldn’t lie about it.
I rambled on some more about how I felt distant and forgotten. Never once did the man praying for us judge me or think I was crazy.
In fact, he said this to me…
“I understand. It makes total sense.”
And then he began to pray over us. He prayed for so many things that night, but mostly that I would let go of the anger and pain so that I could feel God’s love. He reminded me that God doesn’t forget about us. He doesn’t put us on the back burner nor does He simply promise things that won’t come true.
After we got prayer my husband hugged me tight. It was almost a relief for him to know what had been holding me back for the last few months. And at the same time that it was a relief he also felt guilty. With tears in his eyes he said, “I feel terrible that I didn’t know. I should have asked you. As your spiritual leader I should have known you were mad at God.”
We hugged.
And cried.
I left church that night feeling relieved. I finally had told someone what I was feeling. I finally admitted that I was angry towards the one man who created me and this earth, even if it was wrong and made no sense.
I can not even begin to tell you how different I began to feel after that night of prayer. I felt free from the anger. I no longer blamed God for the wait that we were enduring.
Instead? I thanked him for the favor He has poured out on our family. And I apologized for not finding beauty in the life He provided me.
I guess I’m writing this in hopes that maybe one of you has felt the same. Maybe you have felt forgotten by God. Or mad. Or angry at Him for not providing things for you on your timing.
I just feel like I want to encourage you, if you are in that same place I was, to let it go. Tell someone you trust. Get prayer.
I promise that if you do… you will question why you ever felt that way to begin with.
To read more about our adoption journey click here.
New, Real, & Hopeful??
Thank you for sharing. This makes perfect sense, and I needed to read this today. May God continue to bless your beautiful family! Thank you
Thank you Kelly!! XOXO
This was beautiful!! A great reminder that God does things in His timing, not ours, and that while He always answers our prayers, it’s not always in the way we want at that time. I appreciate your honesty and am Liking this one to have as a reminder for myself. Thank you for sharing!
I often want Him to answer in my timing and it seems like every time I feel in control…He makes sure to remind me that I am not. It’s just what I need. Thanks for the encouragement!
Such a beautiful post Mandy. I’m praying for you and your adoption. Waiting is so hard.
Thank you Shay!! Praying for y’all too!! So exciting!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Mandy. I’m crying as I read this because I too have been mad at God lately, and we haven’t been going to church because of it. I want my husband to be our spiritual leader, and I try to encourage him to, but he too is frustrated with God so he’s been making excuses more than me. I need to help guide us and get us back on track with our faith. It’s time we stop the excuses and confront our frustrations head on. He will be there for us to hear us.
I can imagine that having this process drag on is so frustrating and discouraging. I know when the time is right your family will be blessed with another beautiful child. And you’ll love them so much. And it will be perfect.
Thanks for sharing your story Tiffany! It helps a lot to know that I’m not alone in my feelings. I’ll be praying for your family!
I tried to get pregnant for 15 years, we tried everything and felt like God forgot us. Sadly I never did conceive and now I am 53 and too old. I see all these people at work with babies and grandkids..and it still hurts, and I still feel like God forgot me. Why all the mean people and not us? So I really get how your feeling. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, but I regret not being able to have a child, as we would’ve been good parents. That’s all..thank you for listening. Julie
Thanks for sharing this Julie! Sometimes it’s hard to understand God’s path, but one day we will!
Thank You so much for sharing your heart! I have been raised in church but have been questioning God on a few things in my own life. Thank you for reminding me that even when God says not right now its for a reason and in the end His way will be best!
Thanks Lessie! I appreciate the comment and encouragement!
Mandy – this post showed vulnerability and perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for writing this. The timing could not be more perfect! I am a mom of twins who both passed away last year shortly after they were born. Both my husband and I remained faithful after our sons died and became very active in church, using our testimony to encourage others experiencing hardship in their lives. We weren’t sure if we were going to try for kids again (we are IVF parents), but a few months ago we both felt that God was telling us to step out on faith and try again. We poured our savings into another cycle and the emotional roller coaster throughout the process almost killed us. But, we reminded ourselves that God was faithful and had promised us a child. Imagine our surprise when we had a negative pregnancy test this week! I feel cheated and angry. I could barely make myself sing along at worship this morning. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in being mad as you wait for a child, and thank you for giving me hope that I will get over all this ugliness in my heart. Blessings to you and the Rose family!!!
Praying for peace for you guys as you wait. I know how hard it can be. I felt the same anger especially while going through infertility.. I just wanted to be normal..Why was God letting this happen to us? What had we done to deserve it? But like you wrote…when God says no, we need to give him a Thank You. Because he knew the plan all along :). God bless your family as you wait.. It will be TOTALLY worth it!
The last two Sundays I’ve avoided church. Because I, too, feel angry at God. Thank you so very much for this post!
Thank you for your raw honesty. This post really hit home. While we aren’t going through adoption, a couple years ago, we felt strongly, the pull from God to move 2000 miles away from EVERYTHING we knew (and were completely content and happy with), when I was 4 months pregnant. In fact we announced our pregnancy, only to announce the following week that we were moving away before the pregnancy was even half over. My family was crushed, our friends/church were sad understanding, but we were confident that we were going where God was calling us to be. The following year was awful. I have never been so spiritually dry in my life, and I blamed God for bringing us somewhere we hated, and abandoning us. Why would he take us from somewhere so spiritually supportive and full, to somewhere we were constantly wanting for fellowship, support and guidance?? It took me 9 long months to realize that I was blaming God. It took just as long for me to move forward and realize that I had created idols out of the place/people we had come from and I was constantly comparing where we were to where we had been. And when a chance for us to move back came up, we reluctantly trusted that God wasn’t done with us here yet. Things got much better, and while we still don’t completely know the purpose of us being here, we know now more than ever that God’s plan is greater than our own. <3
Mandy, Thank you for sharing…to let me know I’m not the only one feeling the same way you are. I think you might have a closer relationship with God but I’m trying to get close to him. We went through something dear to me that didn’t turn out as I hoped as I prayed and cried tears for. I’m struggling with wondering why he didn’t answer my prayers. Thank you for encouragement….and the reminder to let it go and trust in God. I don’t know you personally but you seem like a great person mother and wife…I will keep you in my prayers that one day your baby will finally be home where he/she should be.
God bless!
I NEEDED to read this today. Thank you for sharing and for being brave.
I am so … Proud for you? I know we don’t know each other but your heart is so amazin and what a burden to lift off of it finally! I have prayed for your sweet baby that’s waiting for you and I know that there is a method to heavenly fathers madness! You are in high favor Mandy and I can’t wait to see how he continues to bless you! The adversary attacks us with our worst gears biggest regrets and deepest secrets and then he lord shines his light! You are an inspiration and we are blessed to “know you” 🙂
I needed this more than I will ever be able to express to you. This is exactly what I’ve been struggling with for almost a year now. Ive been reading my devotional the past few days in hopes of counteracting the anger but I felt alone. Knowing I’m not the only person to feel this way makes me realize it gets better. The anger subsides. Thank you so very much for this.
I felt the same exact way after I had my first couple miscarriages (I had 3 total). After surrendering to Him and thanking him for the abundant blessings in my life, I felt a huge weight lifted off my heart. Now I have two beautiful little girls. God is so good.
That was beautiful Mandy, really touched my heart. It’s such a universal experience; God’s vision is so much greater than ours is, but it’s so hard for us when it’s unfolding in a way we don’t understand. God is doing great things through you. Praying for your beautiful family and the very lucky child who will get to be a part of it. <3
Thank you so much Susan!!
Thank you for your honesty. May the Father bring you peace that passes all understanding as you wait for His perfect timing. I believe He is okay when we are mad, He just needs our honesty so that the healing and reconciliation can begin. Blessings to you and yours….
I was married to my husband for 5 years we were living happily together for this years and not until he traveled to Italy for a business trip where he met this girl and since then he hate me and the kids and love her only. So when my husband came back from the trip he said he does not want to see me and my kids again so he drove us out of the house and he was now going to Italy to see that other woman. so I and my kids were now so frustrated and I was just staying with my mum and I was not be treating good because my mother got married to another man after my father death so the man she got married to was not treating her well, I and my kids were so confuse and I was searching for a way to get my husband back home because I love and cherish him so much so one day as I was browsing on my computer I saw a testimony about this spell caster DR AISABU testimonies shared on the internet by a lady and it impress me so much I also think of give it a try. At first I was scared but when I think of what me and my kids are passing through so I contact him and he told me to stay calm for just 24 hours that my husband shall come back to me and to my best surprise I received a call from my husband on the second day asking after the kids and I called DR. AISABU and he said your problems are solved my child. so this was how I get my family back after a long stress of brake up by an evil lady so with all this help from DR AISABU, I want you all on this forum to join me to say a huge thanks to DR AISABU, and I will also advice for any one in such or similar problems or any kind of problems should also contact him his email is ([email protected]) he is the solution to all your problems and predicaments in life. Once again his email address is ([email protected])…………….
We’ve all been there Mandy but I’m so glad you shared it. You might have surprised your husband but you didn’t surprise God. He knew and he’s big enough to handle it. 🙂
I don’t always understand God but I trust Him!
Blessings friend,
Cyndi
GAH!!!! Well… I was supposed to read this TODAY. Because tomorrow morning, my 14 year old son’s very best friend in all the world is moving two states away, and it’s difficult to watch my boy grieve this. And yes! I think I’ve been mad at God, too, for not providing job opportunities here for this boy’s dad… and providing a screaming good job far, far away. This is such a good opportunity for them, as a family, to take this job. They can’t say no. BUT… my son and their son are devastated, and the move is tomorrow morning, and I needed to read this tonight. So… THANK YOU. I literally bawled all the way through it.
I’m so sorry that your adoption process is taking so long… Your frustrations have got to be so high, but no… GOD DOESN’T FORGET US… but sometimes his “Just wait a bit” answers and his “No” answers hurt… I’ll be praying for y’all.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this, Mandy. I totally understand how you feel. I think we forget that God isn’t always going to provide what we want; he will provide what HE wants for us, and we just have to know that this is not our life to run, it’s his. You’re giving him glory, girl. I can’t wait to see you at Influence!
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable feeling. I remember feeling a huge rock in my heart full of anger towards God as I watched my friends have children and my husband and I just waited. It felt like I had that rock for over a year before I slowly was able to give it up to God. Having no control is a tough place to be. But the blessing in it is that we can learn to let God be in control.
A Quote I recently put on my Instagram says:
TO US, WAITING IS WASTING, TO GOD WAITING IS WORKING.
Perhaps those words can encourage you as you wait? I know they help me as we are into 2 1/2 yrs of waiting for our third child. I try to remember God is Working as I Wait!
May God Bless You.
Mandy,
Thank you for sharing, and I’ve felt the same way myself at times along our own adoption journey. ‘WHY can’t God’s time be MY time?’ is a question that I ask more often than I care to admit. Hang in there, and may God bless you as you do!
Best,
Reda
Hi Mandy! I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve crossed paths online. I still think about the thankful video link party you used to host. Those were so special.
I’ve been browsing your blog and I’m so, so impressed with everything you’re doing… The Imperfect Perfect You,” learning guitar and earning money for those children…
Then, I stumbled upon this post. I’m so glad you shared your story. I’ve been doing the same thing; making excuses to not go to church. And, you know what? I have been angry with God. I don’t want to be, but I am.
And I’ve also experienced those unexplained, unexpected tears when someone asks how they can pray for you. It was Christmas Eve service, and I just couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even explain why I was crying, but I knew I was in need.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one! xo
I still have no clue how I found your blog. I think it was because God wanted me to “stalk” your blog and see what you have been posting regarding the DIY and the Fashion to end up reading this entry..
I have no kids and I am not adopting either but still I find myself mad at God too. I want to stop feeling like this but I feel I can’t do it. I have been tempted to tell my husband but I just don’t have the guts to confess that I am mad to the one who has provided for our needs during this hard time and the one who is faithful to us no matter what.
It has been a tough ride for me lately. I have felt (and still do at times) like I have no friends other than my husband. I have felt forgotten, I have felt left behind…
Thanks for your post. It gives me hope in the midst of being so discouraged.
I know I am late but thank you for this! I am struggling with so many things including infertility. I am finding myself feeling increasing hopeless and frustrated. Just today I decided that I need to take some time away from church and GOD. I am at a point now that I don’t see his purpose in my life. I can see him in others but just not in mine. Your post is so encouraging to me to at least think about pushing on.