Every morning for four straight weeks I woke up on edge. {Perhaps you read about it here.}
It was the kind of edge that meant you got up quietly, tip toed out of your bedroom, peeked into your youngest child’s bedroom, and prayed that when you said “wake up sunshine” you would get a smile and not a death look.
For four straight weeks I didn’t get that smile I prayed for. Instead I got the death look AND a terrible attitude accompanied by screaming, kicking and, yes, name calling.
It was hell. Not just because he woke up in a bad mood, but because that bad mood continued into the day. It didn’t matter what I tried (and believe me? I tried it all – or so I thought)…he was mad. At the world. All the time.
I mean, I know where he gets his evil faces, but still…
We would drag him <—literally — to pre-k. He didn’t want to cooperate with a single word I spoke. Or a word his dad spoke. Which is rather different for me because I’m used to my kids not listening to me, but their dad? They all listen to their dad.
That deep stern tone does a number on kids.
But not this kid.
He was not phased.
Then one day the daycare called me… they wanted me to talk to SJ over the phone because he was not listening to his teachers, kicking people, and calling people very ugly names.
My heart sank. Not because I was surprised. Heck, I was surprised this call didn’t come sooner.
It sank because I felt helpless. I remember having such a good conversation with the owner of the daycare. She was sweet and honest and made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this whole “parenting difficult children” thing. She was willing to work with me on every level to help me get the problem under control. For that I was so grateful.
But I couldn’t help but feel like a failure.
A mom who can’t control her own child? A mom who doesn’t know what steps to take next to get his behavior under control? A mom who has been down this road 2 other times and is still failing?
I hung up. And cried my eyes out as I drove my minivan to go pick him up that day.
Embarrassed, I walked in the front doors to get him. He was still sitting in the office and of course looked up at me with that sweet little smile that could melt any woman’s heart.
But not mine. Not this day.
I was there and I meant business.
From that moment on I decided I was NOT going to let this little boy get away with anymore rude unacceptable behavior if I had anything to do with it.
So I thought I would share with you the small, but impactful changes that I made that warm August day just two short weeks ago. Because you know what? They are helping.
I know I can’t be the only one who is raising a strong willed little boy, right?
Let me start by saying this… We had two main issues that I felt like were affecting his behavior beyond belief.
1. Sleep – he wasn’t falling asleep until sometimes midnight. Even if we started bedtime at 7:45 and took away all distractions…he would still find a way to be up.
2. Eating Habits – or lack thereof. He barely eats anything. Picky picky picky is his middle name.
I felt like those were two things that I could actually be in control of. I might not be able to control specifically what comes out of his mouth…but I CAN control his eating and his sleep.
I never knew just how much these two things were affecting him until I made it my mission to correct them.
I was always the mom that said, “I’m not going to lay down WITH my kids because I want them to be able to go to sleep without me.” And when they were infants? This strategy worked wonders. None of them ever needed to be rocked or held…they just wanted to be put down in their crib and left alone.
All of that changed once they became toddlers and the crib did not exist. I fought it and fought it because I wanted to stick to my initial belief that they shouldn’t need me to lay with them.
But desperate times call for desperate measures and sometimes? We need to admit that it’s ok to change the way we feel about things because every child is different.
Here are the 5 things that I did that transformed his behavior:
1. Take away something he loves.
I like to keep things simple so I started with the easiest. I took away his apple juice. For two reasons really. One, because he LOVES his apple juice and I needed to find something that he loved…that I could take away so he would understand that he doesn’t get the things he wants when he acts bad. Maybe for your child this is a specific toy, or blanket? For SJ… it was his apple juice. And two, because I felt like the sugar in the juice was keeping him awake at night
I’ve tried this before…but when I say the kid wouldn’t drink anything else but apple juice? I mean that. So I always just said…”Well, I have to give it to him because he doesn’t like anything else.”
Mistake number one. Too bad…if he doesn’t like anything else then he needs to learn to like something else. So, I said absolutely no more apple juice. You know what happened? He screamed and threw a huge fit for over an hour, yes…but after 60 minutes of that? He asked for milk. Yes, MILK.
And he’s been drinking milk ever since.
2. Schedule, schedule, schedule. A child loves a routine.
I began a strict schedule every evening in order to get his sleep problems under control. We start at 7:45 pm by going into his room. ALONE. No other boys allowed, they now have to sleep in Parker’s room so SJ can have a room to himself. I begin by praying over him. I try to keep it short and I try to not just pray for things that I want God to change, but I also praise God for the good things in SJ (we’ll talk about this more in #5). We then read three books. It’s the same three books every night. Again, because he loves a routine. For us it’s The Five Little Monkey’s Go Shopping, Llama Llama Mad At Mama and Llama Llama Wakey-Wake. After the book reading is over, I let him drink his cup of milk. I turn off ALL of the lights. No night lights, nothing. It needs to be pitch black. I kiss him goodnight and lay next to him until he falls asleep. Which typically takes about 15 minutes.
The first 4 nights of this was awful. I had to hold him down in his bed. He begged me to turn on a closet light, but I stayed strong. I knew that if he could see in his room…he would stay awake talking to himself. Haha!
Honestly, now when we go to bed? It’s SOOOOO easy! He goes right to sleep. For a kid that was staying up until midnight? I can’t even believe how easy it is to get him asleep by 8:30 PM.
I usually wait until he’s been asleep about 10 minutes and then I sneak out. He never notices and sleeps through the entire night!
3. Quality Time is Key.
I got lazy. I can’t even lie about it. But, the honest truth is that by 8:00 PM each night? I was done. Spent. Tired. The last thing I wanted to do was go read books with my kids. I just wanted life to be easy. I wanted to put them in their rooms…walk away and not deal with it again until morning.
But the reality of that is this… you can’t just pick and choose when you want to be a parent and when you don’t.
I was missing that quality time each evening with them that they were craving. All they wanted was 15 minutes of my undivided attention so that I could read them a few stories. And what? I was so tired I couldn’t, but I was perfectly awake enough to write a blog post or update my Instagram?
I started to realize that those 15-30 minutes of reading books? Meant the world to them. And now? It means the world to me. I look forward to our book time each night.
4. Setting Expectations.
I think this one is so important because it’s all about letting your child know ahead of time what he can expect next. For example, I always tell him “We are going to read 3 books.” Then, after we have finished the first book I say, “We have 2 more books and then it will be time to shut off the lights.” And after the second book, I make sure I say, “This will be the last book we read and then it’s time to go to sleep, ok?”
This way? When it’s time to shut off the lights and go to sleep… he’s not surprised. He understands.
I do this with lots of other areas as well. It works wonders!
I used to avoid giving him expectations because I wanted to detour from a meltdown. I always thought… If I tell him he has to go to sleep next? He’s gonna lose it. But the reality is, it truly helps them understand what you expect of them.
I began doing this when I drop him off for pre-k too. The daycare bus picks him up and takes him to daycare (since pre-k is only half day). He was throwing a huge fit every day and screaming “I WANT MY MOMMY!!!” I realized that I wasn’t telling him each day that he was going to ride the bus. So I began making sure that when I drop him off I say, “Now remember, Miss Kelsey’s bus is going to pick you up today and take you to daycare. Mommy needs you to be a good boy for Miss Kelsey.”
World changer people. World changer. Try it.
5. Praying.
The last thing (which should be listed as the first thing) is asking God for help. Because, for weeks, I tried to do this alone. Like most areas of my life…I think I can do it all by myself. But I never can. God is showing me over and over again that He is present and can help.
To be honest, I finally started praying out of a last resort type of thing. I was breaking and it was my last hope. Funny how we never make prayer our first course of help, right? I begged God to show up. I knew that if He didn’t show up? Nothing would change.
Each night I pray over SJ. I always say to him, “Ok, mommy is going to pray now ok?” He usually smiles and closes his eyes.
I swear, y’all….God moves mountains! I always need to be reminded of that, but it’s so true!
If you have a spirited little boy (or girl) like me? I hope that something I have suggested will help you get your sanity back. We are not clear of all bad behavior…he still has his moments, but ever since I began this strategy above? It has helped so much.
Every child is different and the key is adjusting and adapting to what works for your child.
Just know this…you are not alone.
A couple resources I would HIGHLY recommend:
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Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic
That was AMAZING!!!! And much needed, so thank you.
You are so welcome Michelle!
I could have written this myself. I’m dealing with almost the exact situation with my 3 1/2 year old son. I feel like I am grieving the sweet boy he once was. I also feel like he wakes up in a bad mood and is so testy all day. I really liked your list and I’m excited to hear other suggestions. One thing I’m doing with my son is trying to give him more responsibility around the house. He loves to help me with chores and I notice it lifts his spirits if he gets to be independent and feed the dog or help me with laundry.
Thanks for writing about this. You are not alone! I’m hopeful that it’s just a phase and maybe even a strange growing pain that they will get out of soon. Lord help us!
Oh boy, I feel like you were writing that about my little boy. I feel your pain! Great read.
My husband always tells me that kids push and push, they want to know what their boundaries are. They respect us more for giving them boundaries. This is so true! I love all of your tips and I am so glad this is getting better for you. Parenting is so hard, but so rewarding at times, too!
Thank you so much Carrie! And I think your husband is a giving you wise advice…. keep the boundaries coming for the little ones!
It is so hard not to check out at bedtime! Great reminder that each child is different and God always hears when we cry out for his help.
These tips are so great! I lived reading this and really related! Thank you!
Thanks for this post.
This was great!! Thank you for sharing! Such good reminders about the importance of food, routines, prayer and attention. Will definitely try to remember this as my 16mo old gets older! Thanks!!
Love this!! We have a very strong willed 2 1/2 year old. Can’t wait to try this!!! Glad you allowed God to lead this post!
Oh man this hit home with me. I have a son in a similar situation. Kindergarten started 5 weeks ago and I have been in his classroom/principal’s office a handful of times already with him because of his behavior. He can be such a sweetheart but man, these are little people with sin in their hearts just like us! It’s not always easy but it’s worth the fight to win them over for Christ! And we know God will use your difficulties with your son as a testimony to your faith to those unbelievers you meet along the way! I’ve already been encouraged by what you’ve shared and will put these ideas into practice. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this!
Thanks for writing this. Our first is due in 4 weeks, and I know there is SO much to learn. I’m so glad for you that you’ve found strategies that work for your son. Thank you for sharing!
Excellent advice and so well thought out! Often, when we are “in the trenches” it is incredibly difficult to put into words all that is going on around us- good job! 2 of my 4 children were what we lovingly called “strong willed”. The light bulb moment for me was when I realized I had to address each child as if they were my only child. I could not use a stock standard approach for all 4 of them. This was a tough hurdle for me, as it required much more attention and effort on this mama’s part. Don’t get me wrong – there were (and are) definite “Deal Breakers” that apply to all 4, but the day to day required intentional parenting of each child’s needs. The great news, and this is the true gift of hard work, is it really does work. We now laugh with my teenager when we talk about his toddler/kindie days. People do not believe me when I tell stories of supermarket disasters, his getting kicked out of preschool (“Um, how can I say this? We’ve decided your son should try another school.”), and temper tantrums that lasted 67 minutes (yes, I timed it!). He is now an even tempered, kind, funny, hard working kiddo and those days are distant memories. So, hang in there! 10 years from now, you will be blogging this encouragement to other young mothers <3!
Very encouraging! This sounds just like my third child who is draining his mama.
Thank you so much for this! It’s good to hear once in awhile that we are not alone.
You are so welcome Theresa!
I’m fighting a very similar battle with my 5 year old, who is in here first year of school, full day kindergarten! Even on nights where he does fall asleep earlier, wake up is still a nightmare! Thanks for sharing what worked for you. It sounds so simple, but I know it will take some work. I am going to be trying your way, fingers crossed it works!
Relly interessting! 🙂
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I have a little guy that is EXACTLY like this. I got a phone call just today of him crying uncontrollable that he needed his mommy. Of course 20 minutes later he is better and moved on. At age three they get more strong willed so high five fore making steps to change these little things now. You’re a great momma. Keep it up! One day, one step at a time.
I’m going through the same thing right now with my youngest. This is wonderful, practical advice that I will definitely try!
You have no idea how perfect timing this was! Thank you for sharing. I never thought of apple juice, I have an addicted 4 year old also. I think its a great consequence for behavior. Thanks for sharing!
We’ve fought the same battle, it’s tough! We did a lot of the same as you but also cut out red dye 40. I couldn’t believe the difference in my son when he wasn’t having the red dye! His temper went away, he listened better, and slept better! He has been off red dye for almost 2 years and now he even knows to ask before having things and can tell the difference in himself when he accidentally has it. (he’s 5 now)
Hope your little man keeps up the good attitude! Crazy just a few small changes can make such a big impact!
Wow! I have been praying for answers in the same area. We had no issues before he outgrew his crib, because we had done the sleep training, which worked. He slept 8pm to 8am almost always. I was in shock when that schedule was out the window, when the crib left. I am certainly going to try this. I have great expectations and I love that you pray over him and thank God for all the great things about him. This is sooooo good Mandy! Thank God for mommas like youwho share the wisdom God gives!!
My almost 4 year old is going through some of the same issues. We actually sought out help for him a few months ago. He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. He is now going to Occupational Therapy once a week. It is something he will learn to cope with and should be fine by school age. The suggestion they gave us to help them transition better during the day. We took pictures all over the house of him doing different stuff. ex. sitting on the potty,eating breakfast, eating lunch, playing outside, school time at the table, laying in his bed, etc. We printed and lamintated the pictures. I hung a string with command strips on a wall in our dining area (room he spends most time). I hung all the pics in the order of his day. He removes the pic of what he’s doing at that time, but this gives him a visual aide of what is coming up next. I will warn him in 30 minutes we are going to do XYZ and put to the next pic. It has a made a huge help!
Setting Expectations? YES! Agh – I hate it whenever I see parents at the mall playland or park announce out of the blue announce “Come on kids! Time to go!” Then the kids freak out and parents get angry and turn mean. HELLO! Give your kids a heads up – it changes everything!
“Ok – 5 more minutes!”
Then “Alright, one more time down the slide and we are out of here!” It does wonders (Put your self in the kids place, your just having a great time and then BOOM. Done. No wonder they freak out!)
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have a similarly SPIRITED 3 year old daughter. It’s HARD. I will try these tactics!
Boy is this a timely post! My son isn’t even 2 yet and I literally thanked God last night when he was asleep. He fights every change in the day. It’s exhausting. It’s our job to give them structure and boundaries–it makes them feel safe. The hard part is sticking to our guns! I’ve found that giving him choices helps him feel in control and makes him more biddable. It’s bath time, would you like the orange shampoo or daddy’s shampoo? Would you like the Mickey or Donald Pj’s? It’s time for books. You choose which 3 books. Of course some days nothing works. Hang in there mama!
My husband and I have found that with our soon to be five month old, tell him what we are going and going to do, each time we do it, works wonders in how calm he is. He used to scream in the carseat and each time we place him in anything that had to be strapped. Even though he may not understand what the words mean, it is as if he understand what we are trying to say. Also, a consultant routine with quality time, each night, has been the key to him sleeping the night, soundly.
I have a strong willed girl and I did all of those things you suggested. They all worked! Now that she is a teenager, and smarter than her dad and me, the rules change a bit. She can actually outwit me in conversation and she rationalizes everything. She is a great kid, but raising a child to follow Christ is not easy. We talk – a lot!! I have learned to give her space when she needs it, insist on rest and healthy food, and tell her exactly why we have the rules we do. She still does not always get it, but she is learning. Call me when your boys hit the teen years. I can help you then – I hope! Susan
Thank you so much Susan! I love hearing from other Mommas doing this same thing alongside me!
Mandy, I am so happy to hear that things are going better with SJ! My son just turned one, and he is already very persistent. I know this will help him later in life, but I am preparing now for lots of tantrums in my near future. I love him so much, but sometimes it’s hard to give him my undivided attention. Thank you for sharing your struggles and how you’ve been working to make things better. I learn so much from reading your blog!
I absolutely agree with all of these points! Especially how we tend to save praying as a last resort and how to go about setting expectations. My son who is almost 2 always needs a reminder that he has “1 more” left of something, so that he knows the end of whatever activity is coming. I’m so glad you wrote this article! It’s so nice to know that there are others out there that deal with the same daily struggles. :o)
5 really great tips. I know all these things, but I constantly need to be reminded of them because I need to stay CONSISTENT. We have a 3yo boy who is very strong-willed, and it’s so comforting even to know you’re not alone in your parenting challenges!
This is so good. I am so very proud of you!
i can not, can NOT express how wonderful these tips are. and so well written. my son is only 14mo old but he has set his schedule since the night he came out of my belly to sleep from about 10pm-10am or 11pm-11am. by 9 days old he was sleeping 11-12 hours through the night at these times. we don’t go to bed ourselves until 11pm and I’m a SAHM too so this was okay, no big deal! his dad gets to see him plenty after work, we all get to continue activities like going out to eat, weddings etc. but now i am thinking enough is enough. mainly because we miss so many activities in the mornings since every mom related thing starts at 8 or 9am! id love him to go to sleep earlier. 9pm even is fine with me! he might not understand as much as SJ but i am going to try these out and tell me husband how strong we must be!
does SJ still wake up at the same time? i suppose so since he has Pre-K etc. i wonder if C will sleep 9pm-9am instead of 10-10 or 11-11, that’d be nice!
I needed to read/hear these words today. My daughter has always been very strong willed, but controllable. She’s 4 now and just started preschool – which she’s been in for 7.5 days so far. We got asked to step into her classroom upon pickup yesterday afternoon. Her teachers proceeded to tell us that she is being very disrespectful, not that she doesn’t listen, but that she pouts when she’s not helped immediately and that she is giving them evil looks. Yes they used the word evil over and over again until I broke down crying. I’ve never ever seen her do this so it was a shock. I’m at a loss. I have no clue where to go from here. She eats great, sleeps 10.5 hours straight, stays active, watching little to no tv …. I’m baffled especially since she doesn’t act that way around us. All of this news has occurred at the same time that I found out I’m having a high risk pregnancy and haven’t received any positive news about it during my last few appointments this past week. Feeling pretty emotional and just flat out hopeless about everything.
This was AMAZING!!!! I loved reading this post and have re-read it couple of times. I have a 3 year old girl who was an amazing sleeper as a baby and once I transitioned her to big girl bed she has become an insomniac and it’s been driving me crazy…but reading this post reminded me of simple steps I need to take to bring back my sleeper. thank you 🙂
I’m so glad things are going better! Thanks so much for sharing these tips!
This is great. I so much appreciate the honesty in your words, and your heart shines through your thoughts. I have enjoyed your blog for quite some time now, and I really love that you show what a really family looks like without editing to make everything appear perfect.
It’s amazing, this is exactly what I needed. I have not one, but TWO very strong willed boys (how does that happen!?) I have gotten lazy and just give excuses but you turned the light on for me. Now my next battle, getting them to eat!! Any ideas?
HI Kristine!
Thanks for commenting – as for the eating thing…. I think it just takes time. Train them that they have to eat one fruit and one veggie with each meal – then let them pick which ones they want to have. Sometimes letting the little have a little bit of freedom to choose makes them feel more in control and like they are doing it because they can, not because Mama is making them.
Great, great, GREAT advice! I have a very spirited 8 year old girl, and could have used these tips 6 years ago when I was pulling my hair out, lol!!
We’re dealing with so many similar things with my four year old daughter. thank you for this. it’s so encouraging to hear another mama going through this too and what’s helping. things i think are worth a try. we’ve been taking things away from her too, which helps her behavior sometimes. but the bed time has just been a battle. thanks for your encouragement today Mandy!
Been going through some tough days with my 22 month old little girl…tantrums like you wouldn’t believe, and I have two boys before her that never did this sort of thing. Well, not at that age anyway! I mean screaming with back raising while trying to get her into the stroller in the MALL…
I thought of your blog right away coz I remember seeing a FB post about it. Am so glad you posted on this. And yes, praying will be the first thing I do – I don’t know why it takes so long to figure that out!
Thanks Mandy.
I can SO relate I had two strong willed boys! My oldest however is still SOOO picky with food. How did you make progress there? Sleep wasn’t an issue for us (we had many others lol) but food is a huge one…he does have severe food allergies (all nuts and sesame) but he is still SO stubborn at 12 it drives me bonkers. I will make one meal and he will sit there and not care that he isn’t eating and just complain ugh drives me mad…any tips I would so appreciate 🙂 So nice to know we aren’ t in this parenting chaos alone!! xox
It was meant for me to see this today! I have a 15 month old who is very sprited ( I guess is the word ) if he doesn’t want to be touch he lets you know, if he doesn’t want that cup, food, drink even blanket he lets it be known. You know where you stnd with him at all times. I feel like is allowing him for so long to be this way as resulted in him hitting us, screaming at us, throwing him self in the floor ect… Like I said he’s only 15 months old. I can’t help but wonder if that’s normal….?
I started letting my son of what we were gonna be doing ahead of time and letting him know of the good behavior that was expected always followed by asking if he understood and waited for a reply…..works amazingly especially if you remind them how important honesty is.
Great read! Experienced majority of the same issues with my now 5yr old. Cried many days, prayed many more… and I will say that God led me to do some of the same things that you did. Spend more time with him, get him on a schedule, set the standard (expectations), etc. Thanks so much for sharing!
LOVE THIS ARTICLE! I have a girl like this… and i’m going to try i ASAP! Some I’ve done but have honestly gotten lazy and tired.
I love this. Thank you. My son just turned two and is starting to act out in different ways and I am realizing it is because I have not established a steady routine for him. When he was a newborn & infant, he was so easy to put to bed. Now, nap time is almost impossible. But I have learned, like you, like just having me lay with him at night and naptime when he falls asleep makes a world of difference. I love your suggestion to set up clear expectations, as well. Maybe if I clue him in that naptime is coming before minutes ahead of putting him down, he will stop resisting quite as much.
Thank you so much this is so helpful and it gives me hope for my two kids!! And yes god is powerful and prayer truly works! I recently started having my children say a prayer when they started feeling upset and it was so calming to them and me!!! Thanks
This was a great post, thank you for sharing! I am going to try this with my spirited 2 1/2yr old. patience, patience, patience! !
I know this is a little older post, but it was so helpful to read today! We have a strong-willed 2 year old boy & ive been feeling so helpless lately with his difficult behaviors. It seems like nothing we try helps. But I really like your idea of making expectations clear to them, which I try to do but know I could do much better & more often! And the leverage of taking away something he likes. That is a powerful motivator for toddlers. The relatability of your post definitely helped show me we aren’t alone in raising strong willed children & it’s something we can work on!